It’s time for my yearly 2019 predictions that always come true. Here’s the last two for reference so you can see how amazing I am at predicting the future:
Here we gooooo:
Fornite is cancelled after Phoebe Gates (Bill and Melinda Gates’ youngest daughter) purchases approximately 1.4 billion dollars worth of skins. The ensuing outrage destroys the idea of loot boxes entirely.
The newest craze among kids is analog slot machines that accept bitcoin, available through a loophole lobbied for by Uber that allows it to operate in cities that have taxi unions.
The Dreamcast 2: It’s Even More Thinking comes out. It’s an eight inch tall arcade cabinet with tiny controls. There are extremely tiny PCBs that can be inserted, each with a different game. It launches with Sonic Adventure 3, a gacha fighting game with 438 characters, most of which are slight variations on Sonic the Hedgehog, although a great number are just Amy in different costumes. It is released on iPhones within 6 months, and then deletes it from the App store shortly after Fortnitepocalypse.
VR goes mainstream when AirBnB releases its own VR headset to allow you to tour properties virtually. Every picture and mirror in the property is replaced by advertisements for local restaurants and Uber.
Nintendo releases Switch 1.2: Echoes. It’s got a slightly faster processor and a second screen on the back of the machine that is mostly used for minimaps and minigames in first party games.
Kingdom Hearts 3 is released. A day 1 patch changes the game into a kart racer.
Cave Story 2 comes out. It’s published by Devolver Digital and is, for some reason, extremely bloody. Youtubers love it.
Steam crushes the competition by focusing solely on pornographic tetris clones. Epic goes bankrupt.
Dragon Quest Builders 2 comes out. I’m just…really excited for this.
Konami releases an analog slot machine that only accepts bitcoin based on the Castlevania series on Netflix, but minus the main characters.
Alright back to your regularly scheduled programming, bye!