Bottom Line Reviews


Musou games are the video game equivalent of listening to a sad song when you’re sad


Kirby: Canvas Curse is ”Stylusshock! Now is time to the Li-ion battery on fire Touch! Kirby for DualScreeners custom”


Ys VIII: Lacrimosa of Dana is "spring break in JRPG form."

Curse (MD) is "the vidcon equivalent of being tone-deaf, but still getting up on stage and singing your heart out."

Yakuza 6: The Song of Life is "knowing when to hold 'em and knowing when to fold 'em."

The House in Fata Morgana is "aggressive, unrelenting empathy."

The Witcher Enhanced Edition is "working days as a facilitator, working nights as a janitor, and all with a car that barely runs."

Panzer Dragoon Saga is "opening the door to the world of your dreams glimpsed only through windows, smiling, and then quietly closing it."


finally some REAL bottom lines in this drought


Pilotwings 64 is "Crying when you get a 97 on a test."


Donkey Kong Country Blizzard Blast or whatever is searching for your glasses while they’re on your face, also your house is on fire


New Funky Mode: Ice Cream Enthusiasm is your new girlfriend dragging you to an anarchists’ working group that you actually end up enjoying.


New Funky Mode: Alpine Snow is a hamburger settling into the stomach of a child who’s spent the entire day eating glue.


New Funky Mode: Glacier Freeze is seeing a free concert at the zoo and noticing the almost imperceptible rhythmically nodding head of a rhinocerous in the peripheral distance.


New Funky Mode: Riptide Rush is coming across the cheap bamboo flute you bought from a souvenir shop ten years ago and giving it a tentative blow, causing a single live ant to tumble out the end of it.


myst is “a sokoban with fog of war.”


marvel vs capcom infinite is mortal kombat annihilation: the movie: the game


Ace Combat 7: Skies Unknown is “Universal UAVs” (****).


Destiny 2 is “crushing the rush at your high school job on nights and weekends.”


The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is extremely interested in rewarding me for looking at rocks. (****)


Donut County is “an aspiring screenwriter’s treatment for a tom nook origin story.”