or, “foal metal panic”
I am playing the horse girls money extraction phone app
it is a roguelike horse raising slice of life simulator starring anime horse girls with race horse names
it is both better than any of the above indicates or that it deserves to be, much like its equally stupid yet fun cartoon advertainment show
one of my horse girls won a race and celebrated by running up to me and dropkicking me in the face
I don’t know if phone games are going to get any stupider or better
my dumb beautiful lucha horse child did it
she went all the way
past her route
into the EX races
got over the hump of the last race, where she had failed twice
won by five horse (horse girl? girl?) lengths
she has tasted the sweet carrot of victory
if it wasn’t 1 in the morning when I did the last race, I would have genuinely been yelling like a moron watching her obliterate the field in the last stretch
I think I should buy Winning Post
it’s been a month
I’m still horsin’ around
I’m remarkably impressed that it is an actual game that you can learn and manipulate and that it has insane production values and maximum drama, a lot of it coming from absolutely masterful camera positioning
I enjoy being in the business of stealing races I shouldn’t win
month two: I’m still telling my dumb, beautiful horse daughters how to train their bodies and race
I fear I may have lost all connection to other humans
on the upside, I accidentally created a new horse girl card deck meta involving stacking guts cards and getting stupid, hilarious results from the wreckage
pretty sure I just hit the practical limit of “not dumping hundreds of dollars into the machine”
and yet, I must push guts even further
Horse Girls month 2.5:
okay technically this isn’t a monthly update telling you how much of a degenerate I am but instead a couple of things popped up
- I actually took the time to look at a quick and dirty inheritance guide. this was like opening up a forbidden text; I have learned knowledge that man was not meant to have known. the short version is after you do a run, that run gets saved and you can do two things with it: slot that horse in your group race team and use that horse in future runs to pass on stats and traits (okay also you can recycle runs for support points but considering the language I’m going to be using, you should ignore that you can literally send bad runs to the glue factory).
okay so when you start a run, you pick two good friends for your horse girl to share their deepest wish with and this somehow births her or something but that’s too anime so let’s call it what it is: breeding. you pick a sire and a mare (ignoring that these are actual horse breeding terms, the two horses you pick are literally denoted on the selection screen and the stats they pass with blue and pink) and your horse girl gets traits and stats from her parents and grandparents (who are also all horse girls). this manifests in starting bonuses and twice during a run, where your horse goes to pray to the Goddess of Victory and she (hopefully, please god) gets a bunch of cool upgrades, be it raw stats, improvements in how she races or skills.
you only maximize your gains if the two horses you breed with are compatible with the horse you’re raising (are they good friends in the fiction, other bullshit relating to the actual horses like how Mejiro McQueen is Gold Ship’s sire in real life, don’t look at me like that, I told you in the first horse girl post that they’re based on real horses)
for me, breeding used to be “well, the two horses are kind of alike the horse I’m about to raise, let’s do that”. now? now it’s an intense metagame of diseased inbreeding, desperate compatibility matching and checking runs with The Good Stuff and shoving a large vat of their semen into the freezer for future use and hoping, praying that the Goddess of RNG blesses me with everything I’ve set up.
It has resulted in this kind of madness
Teio in the middle, my beautiful failson whom I tolerate, has an extra 50 starting stamina because I’m literally inbreeding at least twice, with Grass Wonder the delicate flower on the left and Super Creek the mommy milky (look, this is their joke/characterization, not mine) on the right both sharing a parent and also Creek is Grass’s child too??? Also Vodka is there because she has a trait I want to pass along and every breeding selection is me running around with a turkey baster filled with Vodka semen looking for a spot to squirt it in
In short, it is insanity and now occupies a small amount of my non active brain power
- The new event is “real-time” races against other people and there’s two leagues: you spent money on the game class and B class. In B class, your horses are only allowed to be rank B or below. I’m now looking at this and going “how do I make the best 3 horse team possible in 8199 rank points apiece without any indication during the run what my score is” and “what is my team comp”
At which point I’m now playing auto chess but it’s anime horse girls instead of off-brand WC3 units
by the slimmest of margins, my beautiful dumb equine daughters have advanced
looking forward to bombing out in round 2 (we’re only there because good middle daughter Nice Nature decided she wanted to win when everyone else gave up)
okay, I have somehow stumbled into the finals for the Taurus Cup event in group B, which means I bombed out of group A (the group for Winners) but not badly enough to completely bomb out of the running. I am there by a literal horse length (not in the “oh god, I can’t believe she did it!” way, but the “check that fucking horse for drugs” way)
for the finals I have to pre-build the team instead of getting a chance to switch out and experiment every run, so I’m going to introduce you the terrible daughters that I’m entering and also Nice Nature
Mayano Top Gun
Role: Run fast
Tactic: Ultimate outrunning
Results: Few and far between
Trainer’s notes: I hate this fucking horse. In addition to hating her and constantly watching her fail, also somehow the meta (there is a horse meta) has shifted to “spam debuffs that affect frontrunners”, thus limiting her actual ability to win and also causing her to just not do very well. But here we are.
Role: Mobile weapons system
Tactic: Is on the race track
Trainer’s notes: If everyone else is going to build nukes, then so am I
She is nothing but legs, brains and debuffs. She’s not there to win; she’s there to kill
Role: Actually wants to win
Tactic: Wants to win
Results: Actually wins
Trainer’s notes: The only reason I’m taking time to type out this dumb shitpost. Some random run I slotted in early on out of desperation for wins and then it turned out she’s the only one who can deliver wins. Probably technically the worst horse of the three but that’s how the RNG goes, the one you didn’t expect is the one that pulls wins out of the fuzzy math
I’m looking forward to doing a follow-up post talking about how badly I lost
The Taurus Cup Finals, Group B
(group B is for losers)
I don’t know what I expected
The enemy squads were heavily favoring forward tactics; of the four positions, all but one horse were in the front or mid-front, and that outlier was (my) Nice Nature. More importantly, there were no horses lying in wait in the rear-most position to steal wins at the last second, a thing that happened to Mayano at least 3 or 4 times.
I look at this and go “maybe she can actually do it”
The large majority of the 2400m race is uneventful. Everyone takes their positions, Mayano in the front pack, Air Groove in the mid and Nice Nature is in dead last by a decent margin. The main upside is that Groove launches a couple of nukes that basically hit every enemy horse because she knows her role.
So we finally enter the last 1000m, where all the good shit happens. Mayano is kind sticking around third, Groove is doing her job of killing instead of winning and Nature is starting to get left behind. At about the 800m mark, Mayano uses her super and suddenly she’s just fucking gone. She breaks away from the pack, shoots into first, no one is gaining ground on her.
Oh my god she’s actually going to win
500m left, no one is near her and then…
I have conflicted emotions about this result.
Anyway, we won the goddamn race.
After action report
Mayano Top Gun - I hate this fucking horse but at least she didn’t completely bomb out or give me false hope
Nice Nature - Actually won
Air Groove - Two confirmed kills (9th place, which is last, finished more than 10 lengths behind 8th)
Looking forward to doing this nonsense again in one of the 4 other categories the game cares about
finally actually noticing that the current event in (that ends today) in Uma Musume is called “June Pride” in English and trying to figure out exactly to what extent Cygames is recognizing Pride Month or if they were too busy trying to figure out a word that could replace “bride”
the centerpiece is two bridal skins but also they’re not fooling anyone because these horses are incredibly gay
anyway I’ve been playing a bunch of WoW Classic
they ran the Gemini Cup, which was for long-distance horses and I am bad at long-distance horses and yet I somehow stumbled into winning on the losers’ side. once again the horse meta has shifted and the play now is to pump your horse up with as much length-relevant stats as possible with no skills (skills take up rank budget, after all). I have seen the results of deranged minds and I too chose violence, which I why I managed to win
I find myself way more interested in doing these rank-limited cups than in fumbling around the main loop, a thing I am admittedly bad at because I both don’t understand what I’m doing as an idiot and I don’t literally understand what I’m reading
I’m finding myself more amused that they just added custom races and now you can do all sorts of nonsense or private races and now I have to get drunk enough to convince a bunch of people to do a “you have an hour to train the best horse possible with a fresh account” challenge
actual games: hey I had a Trials of Mana save I stopped playing like, 8 months ago, I should finish that up. another No Future run except I was running Reisz, Kevin and Charlotte and, uh
my first NF run had Duran and Duran can be built with a passive threat buff which means 99% of directed attacks go onto him and with the NF-only passives, you have an invincible tank. without this, attacks go in every which direction because fuck you and NF makes it so getting breathed on makes you keel over dead
somehow my first NF run/party was The Perfect Setup and this second run was almost nearly the opposite
SAO Fatal Bullet: hey I had a save from a few months ago in this too and I want to go back to it and then I found out the PC version can just break and curse your save data to make the game not work unless you’re offline, which then causes a 3-4 minute loading hang-up on the title screen and the fix for this is delete your save data and I thought this was just a “oh I’m messing around with games on linux like a fucking moron, that’s why this broke” but nope, this is some native Windows shit too
computers are the final boss
do you see this shit
rank G+ Gold Ship only
that’s literally starting a run and doing nothing
the motivation (a performance modifier) is set to random
this is the purest form of gaming next to a coin flip
You thought you had escaped it
Instead it was lying in wait
It’s time for the monthly horse girls phone app shitpost
Now that we’ve gotten past the monthly event (it was about horses getting stuck in a fantasy VRMMO and involved literal virtual death and also somehow horse racing), it’s time for the monthly matchmaking cup.
you know, normal horse racing things
This month is the Cancer Cup, races in the mile category of track length. Somehow in between the last cup (the Gemini Cup, featuring my nemesis long tracks) and last week, I figured out how to get consistent results in making a horse below the point threshold for B league (where the real galaxy brains go).
At least I thought I did.
At least 3 runs got ruined because the horses I trained were too good and when I went to deliberately throw a race by selecting a tactic they were bad at, they, uh, won instead. This threw off my already tenuous grasp at the ranking math, resulting in 20-40 minutes just fucking gone.
for the record, she has a G in the tactic I chose for her here, a rank which is lower than F and we’re also in the ENDGAME
Somehow, trying to make a horse that’s good, but not too good, is harder than going all out and making a horse that stomps the ever living shit out of their story route.
literally the next race: an even ever wider margin of victory
The upside is that, for once, I’m ahead of the curve. I have trained three horses, a full team, and had them ready a whole week and change ahead of time, instead of me scrambling to get results days or hours before races start.
(Not that this will stop the inevitable cycle of seeing better horses from better trainers, getting ideas and trying to replicate them hurriedly for later parts of the bracket)
Introducing…. I don’t have a team name, they’re just the team okay. Don’t personify the horses too much, it’s weird.
She’s back, she’s smarter, she’s faster, she has more guns and I hope to god she fucking murders someone
(yeah I’m crossing the cartoon streams, what of it)
Horse made for run fast and I would have maxed her speed out if I wasn’t a coward
I had so many horses to choose from
so many I could have trained
and I picked her
anyway, she has a fucking gun
at any rate, I’m excited to put my team up on the horse web and get demolished
goddammit. I did not see this coming.
the campaign thus far:
Day one - total failure. each run has 5 races and you get 4 runs a day. my team won one (1) race.
panic, scrambling. the cycle begins. new horses.
Day two - we start winning races, culminating in two successful runs (3 or more wins), including a run with 4 wins. Group A, round 2, we did it, time to bomb out
Day three - the remade Taiki Shuttle can do things but she can’t put the team on her back. it’s happening, all of it, the bombing out.
less panic, more scrambling. throwing ideas at the wall. tweaking stat and skill builds
me all day today:
Day four - it starts rough. one of the new horses I train puts up nothing. the other though, Vodka, is showing signs of life. consistent finishes. the thing I’m looking for. the black box of RNG is showing cracks.
third run. suddenly horses want to win. Vodka and Shuttle each notch two wins.
Group A finals
I’ve been cursed with success
how did the foray into being a winner go
technically, technically I got 3rd
which is better than I was expecting
but the same player took 1st and 2nd, so actually I got 2nd place out of the 3 of us in the race
I got 2nd place prizes and none of you can take that way from me
celebrating six months of horse daughter shitposting
I don’t have much to say since the monthly cup doesn’t start until tonight other than I really have been playing this for half a year, huh
also I pulled the-then featured banner horse, whose unique skill is, written in English, “I Never Goof Up”
I’m glad nerds in Japan are learning about the phrase “goof up”
the horse girls six-month celebration party (we beat the Sakura Taisen mobile game!) has been updated with a brand new campaign
and by “brand new” I mean “functionally 90% similar”
hoo boy, that last 10% though
whereas the new-old campaign was about your horse being the best horse they could be because the headmistress of your school has randomly declared an insane ultimatum and you have to show up that snooty bitch Happy Week, instead you have to balance making your horse the best horse they can be and also now you have a team and you have to do team races and suddenly the dumb anime game about silly slice of life adventures of anime horse girls who occasionally race is now turned into the game holding a gun to your head every turn and asking “who’s more important: you, or the team?”
of course, I know the answer will, eventually, be “why not both?”
right now though? I have the weight of the team on my shoulders and I cannot bear it
why can’t I give my rag tag team of idiot horse girls and also my brilliant daughter a cool name like this
(jesus christ what is going on with Marvelous Sunday’s chest)
(yes her name is Marvelous Sunday)
it’s getting close to the end of the month and I am nothing if not a creature of habit
horse girls shitpost, month 7
I actually don’t have much to say about the horse girls phone app 10 million downloads milestone. I actually hadn’t been doing runs for most of the month, which was kind of sad in retrospect because my dumb brain figured out the team campaign’s insanity (if the URA Finals campaign is like a slot machine you can smack on the side to make the reels do what you want occasionally, the Aoharu campaign is like if that slot machine had a “hold” button and you gamble if things line up even more in your favor, possibly to the detriment of your team), but I jumped back in to make some horses for the monthly cup (holy shit they added stamps you can send to the other players), mostly because I’m messing around with the campaign-exclusive skills that scale off the combined target stat of everyone on your team. it’s fun to poke at the systems and I would love to go on about it at length
but that’s boring
instead let’s talk about the new horse
no, not Hishi Akebono (her gimmick is that she’s 6 feet tall, so she very obviously towers over the entire known cast and since your gimmick is your joke, her unique skill animation is her as a giant stepping into a stadium and offering the crowd a giant donut. also she’s a chef)
the new horse this week is Agnes Digital. now, technically, technically, she isn’t new. she’s been in the game since launch in card form, and, uh
okay, so you know how the horse girls, in addition to being normal school girls (who are horses) who race, are also idols (by the way, they are idols and placing in the top 3 in a race means you get to perform on stage after the race; I apologize if I had never pointed out this crucial piece of horse girl lore). well, uh, Digital, as you can see, is a horse girl fangirl horse girl
I cannot read Japanese but it’s pretty obvious that her character seems to be the overlap between the “otaku”, “disaster lesbian” and “horny” circles of a Venn diagram
for instance, her unique skill. if she passes by two horses near the end of a race, she becomes so excited that she starts running faster.
she is so incredibly gay and horny for horse girls that if she runs by other horse girls, her gay horniness for horse girls powers her up
no I’m not misinterpreting the nonsense Google Translate is putting out, the skill animation is her getting hot and bothered while the game throws up random cards around her:
she, a horse girl fangirl horse girl, cannot handle the day-to-day stress of attending a school for horse girls and being around other horse girls all day and routinely her events end with her drooling or her brain breaking (not counting the event where she’s practicing her glowstick technique under an underpass, alone, a thing that totally doesn’t register as weird or creepy)
I am absolutely repulsed and disgusted by this horse
on the other hand, she has really good attributes and stat bonuses and is therefore a valuable addition to the team and probably worth spending money over and I look forward to her service
really, I’m just glad they finally added an audience surrogate character