420. ULTIMATE MARVEL VS. CAPCOM 3
I have spent most of my life “sober as a judge” but the first time I did any kind of drug was in Miami in 2012. I took some mushrooms in my friend’s apartment and I had “a bad trip” where I felt like I was made out of wet cement and I kept grinding my teeth.
When I started feeling a bit better I was disappointed by the lack of visual hallucinations, cuz thanks to cartoons and movies and such I was lead to believe that was a big part of the 'shroom experience. Since the apartment lacked any blacklight posters I whipped out my phone and tried to find a twitch stream of Marvel vs Capcom 3, which is a game with some very nice yellows and purples, but those colors don’t really pop on a 3" screen at a bleary 240p.
I’m very cool but for a brief moment drugs turned me into a total dork. I’ve been (mostly) straight edge ever since.
Anyway remember when Kusoru came from Japan and beat all those Americans at Marvel using Viewtiful Joe/Frank West/Rocket Raccoon? That was hilarious. That guy is my fucking hero.
419. IGNITION FACTOR
You don’t gotta shout at me buddy. My hose is ready to go at any time.
I don’t think I’ve ever played this game but it’s not as good as Burning Rangers. I’ve also barely played Burning Rangers but I did own it and it’s for the Sega Saturn, the #3 console after NEC PC Engine and Nintendo Family Computer. If you disagree please fire off in the comments.
418. DONKEY KONG 94
Feel like half the image searches I do for the games on this list give me UK ads that are loaded with really awful euphemisms. I always download them and intend to use them but delete them before posting cuz holy shit, do I wanna post an ad that’s like “GO BANANAS NUTTING IN DK’S FIST”? I don’t. They say sex sells but I ain’t buying…I’m selling. 
I believe Donkey Kong 94 is the best Nintendo game of the 90’s and, maybe, the best game of the 90’s. I say this despite never completing it, but I gotta say playing this game on a Game Boy Pocket while watching BET Comic View with my friends is one of my treasured memories. Maybe cuz it was one of the few times in my life I actually did things with friends but…Comic View was good. Anime Club is going to start watching complete episodes of Def Comedy Jam before the year is out. I will never give up until everyone I know appreciates the beauty of Bernie Mac’s airbrushed jeans.
417. DOUBLE DRAGON II
The other day I saw this dude on Instagram sharing photos of his new Amiga setup. I’ve had a really rough month filled with self-loathing but that made me feel really good about myself. I may be lonely and homely and unloved but at least I’m not so far gone I buy a fucking Amiga, cuz the Amiga has no good games.
I say this having never actually played an Amiga game but I don’t need to. Look at that image above. That’s the Amiga cover for Double Dragon II: The Revenge. It is bad. Got more mullets than the NES version. The gall is showing more butt, which might be good, but she’s looking more distressed, which is bad. On the NES box she looks like she’s kinda into this shit. Like maybe she got kidnapped on purpose cuz watching dudes brawl and do murders for her is her thing. Also this looks like it was done by some dope who probably spent most of his career doing airbrushed Cadbury ads or some shit, while the NES box was someone doing their very best Tetsuo Hara impersonation (or maybe Hara himself?? I’ve heard conflicting stories). So yeah, the Amiga is awful and for racists. Sorry if you like the Amiga, but it’s true.
Also sorry if you enjoy beat ‘em ups but they’re maybe the worst genre of gamesoft. I won’t get into that here – I’m gonna be droppin’ fuckin’ loads of hot takes on the next Snexploration podcast – but it’s true: beltscrolls are bad.
416. THE FROG FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS
The other day at 3AM I woke up and gamer streamed this. I had 2 viewers and I like to think we all had a good time. I tried streaming Shigesato Itoi’s fishing game prior to that but that was a bust. Too much Japanese in that thing. Shoulda kept it unplayed. Shoulda just continued to admire its fabulous box art.
This game was in English though, thanks to a “fan patch”. You need to be able to read the words in this one, cuz it’s like a proto-Link’s Awakening. There is a lot of text, and it is kinda “janky,” as some folks say. When I think Nintendo I think “super polished gamesoft” but boy, this is frequently unresponsive and sloppy. I loved that. Like hearing your favorite band play a messy live set, or learning your super hot crush has a pimple on their butt or hair on their back. (Hi, I think I have hair on my back now – I dunno when that happened but whatever, I don’t care, I ain’t gonna shave that shit unless someone volunteers to do it for free.) This game humanized Nintendo for me, which might not be good but…Nintendo is good. Sorry, I’m a mark for Nintendo, and loved getting confirmation that they just released buggy shit in Japan and fixed it up for the rest of the world.
Also I’ll probably stream this again tomorrow so if you wanna watch a dude repeatedly fail at a game for children while griping about how no one appreciates him please tune in to https://twitch.tv/bachelorsoft and I will definitely entertain you.
415. EARTHBOUND
The last time I played Earthbound was 2012. I had completed it numerous times before that but that time I was totally blindsided by the bit at the end where you say your prayers. I’d totally forgotten that shit. But I did it. I fell to my knees in front of my desk and I prayed sincerely to this fucking game and I am not ashamed. God is real, and God listens to gamesoft. Also it’s okay to spoil the prayer moment here cuz if you haven’t played Earthbound you’ll probably forget I spoiled it after spending 80 hours watching HP meters spin and shit.
There is a moment in Earthbound where Ness gets a glimpse at his parents when he was a newborn. They were still very young, and in awe of their child. It hit me hard. Made me realize my parents were like that once too probably. I’d spent years feeling they were super cynical folks but this game…kinda made me realize they were deeply traumatized people who were trying to do their best. That maybe they really did love me, but they had Circumstances that made things difficult.
I think I am now older than both my parents were when I was born. This blows my mind. Makes it even easier for me to forgive them for their faults cuz holy shit, imagine if I had a kid? I’d probably be collecting Funko Pops and forcing my 3 year old to 1CC Super Mario World before they’re allowed to use the potty. But I also think maybe I’ve done the right thing by isolating myself for most of my life. Maybe I’ve minimized the hurt I would have caused. Maybe this is a poison thought. I dunno. Currently thinking I should be alone amongst the cacti though.
So yeah you should probably force someone you love to play Earthbound.
414. TANGO STRIKE
OK actually I’d probably be a way better parent than my grandmother cuz I think she once covered my uncle in olive oil and left him on a windowsill cuz he was crying too much. Maybe she thought some hobo would come and take him away, like he was some kinda pie – in case you didn’t know 70% of early 20th century comedy revolved around pies cooling on windowsills, often stolen by hobos – but instead he just slipped off that windowswill and fell a few stories into, like, the garbage.
He survived the fall but boy, he sure was a bitchy adult. Maybe that fall did a number on him.
Anyway I don’t know what this game is – again, much of this list was pulled from you, the reader – but I also believe a “covert.d” is required. I don’t kiss and tell. 
Believe it.
413. THE SOPRANOS: ROAD TO RESPECT
The Sopranos is the best TV show that isn’t the first 8 seasons of the Simpsons.
In case you haven’t noticed I have very vanilla tastes.
Someday I might try playing the video game on gamer stream but for now, no. I can’t do that shit alone. Big on laughs over here but dunno if i can handle a terrible Sopranos adaptation right now. That shit is my Rosetta stone. That shit helped me figure out my life.
I maybe should have saved this clip for #1 but despite having vanilla tastes I’m all about breaking the rules so here it is, #413. Goodnight. I’m going to sleep at noon.