As promised, in chronological-ish order, every golf game (that I could find) on the GB and GBC:
Game Boy
Golf - 11/28/1989
This is a port of the NES golf game, I believe. It’s pretty good! I have no problems with it at all, although it is (unsurprisingly) fairly by-the-numbers. But given that most of the upcoming golf games continued to use the two-input meter system that this game originated (i think), it’s a pretty remarkable achievement.
Also considering how bad some of the later games would get, that this game is even playable is also pretty remarkable. It’s not bad!!
Many of the later quality of life features are missing though, such as automatic club selection, on-screen information about how far each club will hit, the ability to purposefully put spin on the ball, etc.
It’s so dang cute though!!
Mini-Putt - 4/26/1991
Oof. This is one of just a few mini-golf games we’re going to be playing and boy howdy is it abysmal. It’s ugly as sin, first of all.
It also contains some of the cruelest mini-golf courses I’ve ever seen? And the par is always something like “2” and then I end up taking 25 shots to get in? Also you can hit this ball with enough force to send it rocketing around the course for upwards of 20 seconds.
Like, it’s not horrible I guess but I would 100% not recommend ever playing it, my god.
Konami Golf/Ultra Golf - 11/1/1991
Maybe my favorite golf game on the GB!! It’s the most mechanically rich so far and very few games were able to top how nice and snappy it feels. Also there’s a little man in the meter!!
Aesthetically it’s alright, which is a far cry above some of the later games. It’s just a really solid game that feels good to play - few bells and whistles, just Golf.
I got one birdie:
Namco Classic - 12/3/1991
This was actually one of the last games I played - it doesn’t have Golf, PGA, putt, swing, or any other golf-related word in the title so it was hard to find. I also failed to get the title screen, whoops.
Anyway, it’s pretty good! Unusually the courses are laid out left to right instead of bottom to top, but other than that it’s pretty run-of-the-mill. The caddy that follows you around is cute though:
Jack Nicklaus Golf - 5/1/1992
Fuck this game!! I hate Jack Nicklaus!! He’s the oldest man to ever win the masters…and it shows!!!
Anyway the game is ugly as fuck and impossibly slow. It plays from a “3D” perspective that is “rendered” in “real-time”, but by “real-time” I mean “column by column over the course of 5 seconds”. So every time you turn, it takes 5 seconds to re-render the screen. And every time you hit the ball it takes 5 seconds to load your next shot.
And it looks like this:
And sometimes like this:
Imagine waiting 5 seconds for that to load!! Bad game, plays like shit, delete it from my brain please.
Sports Illustrated: Golf Classic - ??/??/1993
The first of three games developed by Unexpected Developments. All three of these games have music by John C. Loose who, as far as I can tell, is not a musician.
This is the first game with a non-standard input for hitting the ball! That little character in the lower right is all you get.
The trick is to hold A until her club is parallel to the ground, then release A, then tap A again right before the club hits the ball.
It’s a great idea but in practice it kind of sucks. The good thing about the normal input is that you get feedback - usually it leaves a little mark on the meter where you hit the button. You can correct for that later.
This doesn’t give you any feedback except The Ball Went Somewhere Fucked Up. It’s unclear if I released early or late, or tapped early or late. Just gotta…feel it out I guess?
I got okay at it though!
But it was pretty miserable to play so I quit at 9 holes.
The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy in Miniature Golf Madness - 11/1/1994
I love mini golf and I love the simpsons and y’know what? I don’t love this game! But it’s actually pretty interesting and weird!! I respect it.
First of all, this is not really a minigolf game. See:
This is a platformer. But you also have to bring a ball with you. I think this makes it a puzzle platformer.
It’s alright! Play as Scratchy while Itchy tried to constantly murder you using such fun weapons as:
- A chainsaw
- A baseball bat
- Thrown knives
- Circular saw blades
- Fucking grenades
And turn the tables with powerups. Cut his fucking head off!!
The mini-golf portion is kind of interesting since you have to stop and hit the ball, leaving you vulnerable. There are also some cute puzzles and…yeah, it’s fine! A nice break from Capital G Golf.
Maybe the best simpsons game until hit and run??
PGA European Tour - 4/1/1995
We’re back in Unexpected Developments town and lemme tell ya, John C Loose is fully on his bullshit here. This has some of the weirdest, bleepiest bloopiest melody-free music I’ve heard on the game boy. And I have listened to hundreds and hundreds of game boy songs.
Tellingly, the start button is dedicated entirely to turning the music on and off. Mostly off in my case.
Also this guy wants to see your feet!!! (okay not really he’s just standing there)
Anyway, they’ve removed the odd input from SI Golf Classic and replaced it with a pretty standard two-tap meter input. I played all 18 holes in this because it is exactly middle-of-the-road. It does nothing wrong but nothing right. It’s maybe a touch too generous on putting. It has really well-rendered and animated slacks
I would say it is the most Dad-core golf game on this list. It’s here to make dads feel good about getting a game boy, and to make them feel better at golf than they really are.
PGA Tour 96 - 11/1/1995
THIS IS THE SAME GAME WITH DIFFERENT COURSES AND NOW THE GUY HAS A HAT. I got so mad when I saw this (and heard the (NEW) abysmal music) that I turned it off before getting any other screenshots.
I REFUSE
Pocket Golf - 9/25/1998
Weirdly I don’t remember playing this game at all. I was probably very tired. It looks…fine?
More style than half these games. We’ll say it was good and move on.
I recommend at least opening all of these to look at the pictures. I’m gonna split GBC into a new post because this is getting unwieldy to edit.
EDIT: I accidentally smashed Pocket Golf into PGA tour 96. It did not deserve that.