I did that 3 years ago. I’m not sharing that program with you, even though it worked and could change the world…or possibly destroy it, if used incorrectly.
Instead I’m going to share screenshots I took of the SmileBASIC tutorial. I can’t find the tutorial online at the moment. I do not know if it’s been deleted. It’s probably out there somewhere and I’m just missing a real obvious link on the SmileBASIC website.
If you do happen to find this tutorial please do not link it in this thread yet. Please wait until I finish posting all my screenshots. There are 13 of them in this directory. I hope they teach us all a thing or two about development.
It is true. Everyone is a beginner at the beginning.
And yes, it is true: my favorite image, the universally beloved study.png, was taken from this tutorial.
There it is in case you would like it for your own personal use. If you go and post this to Twitter and it goes “viral” and you do not credit me, the guy who stole it first, I will track you down and I will be nice to you until you admit you wronged me. Don’t make me do that! I hate doing that! And I keep having to do it!
I thought this tutorial was brilliant and innovative and very funny but I dicked around with Wario Ware DIY not too long ago and saw its tutorial uses the same exact format. So I guess SmileBoom ripped it off but they did a better job and that’s better than being the originator. Unless the person getting ripped off is me – please do not steal my original stolen content and try and one-up me by coming up with funnier jokes. You’ll only embarrass yourself.
Tomorrow’s lesson: some more wisdom from the angry boy who hates to learn.
I accidentally clicked on Output instead of the Axe for literally the first time in my life, read this thread, thinking it was an Axe thread, and now I know it’s an Output thread, and it’s like, “Oh god, do I have to check Output for threads now?”
So thanks for the existential crisis asshole.
I can never remember this quote exactly but I think a version of it to myself about once a week thanks to you
If you’re wondering why this is in King of Development, well:
You can buy a buncha books and take loads of classes and ask all around for advice but at the end of the day what good is it? Is anyone gonna know what you wanna do more than you? No. So burn your books and drop out of school and tell anyone who looks like they might know what they’re talking about “fuck you, that’s my purse, I don’t know you.” This is the best way to ensure you develop a Unique Voice while also never learning enough to actually get anything done.
If this punk was real he definitely woulda had a run on SB 1.0 where he only posted about shit like Mahou Daisakusen or Osman or Starsweeper. He definitely would have come back and lasted like 72 hours on 2.0 before getting banned for casually dropping slurs. And he definitely would have awarded only one bloodpotion, to a post saying Half-Life 2 sucks, and he would have done so by accident, even though it would have been a righteous bloodpotion, cuz Half-Life 2 sucks.
Because he’s really the freeman
If I were related to some fatcat Hollywood producer there would definitely be the first installment in a trillion dollar cinematic universe hitting theaters next Christmas and its tagline would be NOTHING STARTS NOW and it would bomb way harder than that one where Tom Cruise wrestles the mummy or whatever.
This is a requirement for speaking with me as well. I only know English. I will never learn another language. Want to know why? There’s an image in the first post that sums it up.
I felt way less anxious in Japan than I do in America cuz I knew absolutely nobody would try and talk with me. That’s very freeing. It’s way easier being alone if you got justification for it!!
Anyway who’s got an AI computer I can talk to. I’m lonely.
They are good games.
I have a Starsweeper PCB if anyone wants to buy one.
I used to have a Costco membership and whenever I went there I’d decline almost all the free samples they had. “No thanks,” I’d say. “Watching my figure.” And this was the truth: the one indulgence I permitted myself was a hot dog and drink at the end of my shopping. That cost about $1.50. You don’t need a membership to buy a hot dog. You can go in there right now and get one. Do it. They can’t stop you.
Sometimes I’d get the frozen yogurt with the strawberries too. That’s also pretty ok, and pretty cheap. That’s $3 for food, drink, and dessert. That ain’t not bad.
But now that I no longer have a Costco membership I wish I’d partaken of more samples. Like what the fuck, is eating half an ounce worth of Steak’ums really gonna hurt me? May as well live it up a little. May as well eat some free food. I promise if I ever again get to bum a Costco membership off someone else I’ll eat every sample they offer me, even the gross things like salad, or fruits, or licorice.
Anyway Please Await Other Samples Eventually would be the text scrolling across the bottom of the attract screen if I ever made a Space Harrier knockoff.
I spent about half of today staring at a wall and the other half watching softcore pornography with other members of the Select Button community and the other half trying to figure out why my computer wouldn’t let me touch its programs and in the end I’m going to bed, bowled over, just like that dude from that one game where he goes “Oh, my car!” but I’m sure I’ll be better tomorrow.
This is the best one that isn’t study.png but I never think to use it because it’s more than one line, and, well, study.png, buddy.
For some reason this is in my SmileBASIC directory. I do not know if it’s from this tutorial. I do think someone may want to use Girls of Crimes as a title for something. Someone who isn’t me, maybe. I’d love to do a women in prison movie but I’m pretty sure I’d make something so scandalous it would land me in jail…!!
For once I will not make a joke in my talk. Maybe…maybe I’ll never try to joke in my talk ever again? Jokes cause nothing but troubles! I’m going to be very serious from now on.
This is a photo of pro-wrestler Hiroshi Tanahashi. I do not know why it’s in my SmileBASIC directory. I’m sure it’s not part of the tutorial.
As you can see Hiroshi Tanahashi is an incredibly good looking man with a pretty gnarly cauliflower ear. When I got back into pro-wrestling I wasn’t too hot on him – just seemed like another pretty boy who maybe liked Shawn Michaels too much. But then I realized I was wrong, cuz he had fucked up ears and he didn’t shave his pits. He was a true warrior. He was…the Ace.
Anyway I’d say Tana passes the Gay Test.
No, I’m not really sure what passing the Gay Test means either okay
Well here we are. At the end. I do not have any more SmileBASIC tutorial screenshots, or completely unrelated photos that somehow ended up in the same directory. How do you feel about this experience? Do you believe you learned anything?
Yeah. Sorry. Me neither. But thanks for reading.
I’ve learned to never make jokes.
OK I’m doing it. I’m showing you the Gay Test.
This is the SmileBASIC file browser:
I have at least two of these things.
And this is what the Gay Test looked like.
I probably followed some tutorial to make this. I don’t know how to program anything, even though I’m a professional game developer.
You entered your name. I don’t remember if that affected your test results. Probably not? There are so many names, and none of them are truly gay aside from Bruce, or Lance, or Julian. I’d check and see if entering those names trigger special responses but I don’t want to turn on my 3DS again. Let’s just pretend they did.
And then there was a prompt asking for the size of “your meat”. Once you told my 3DS just how big your hog is you’d get a funny response depending on the number you inputted. I don’t think any of those responses actually addressed gayness but hey, gimme a break. I probably did this while half-asleep at 4AM on a weekday.
I’d show you all the responses but the app immediately quits upon displaying them. Again, I’m a professional game developer but I don’t know how to program, because that shit is hard, and for nerds, and study.png.
Anyyay that’s how video games are made. Thanks for reading. You should make a gay game too, if you’re interested. If you do please include me in the Special Thanks, or send me a few bucks or a Gundam as a way of paying tribute. I’d appreciate it.