yeah it feels rather pleasantly like an xbox360 game in ways I don’t know how to articulate. but it’s a very effective robocop simulator.
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I played Wicked Tuna the weekend before last! It’s a pretty high tier novelty game. Really great, stupid canned vocal soundbites. I love these fake-ass z-grade reality show duders shrieking at me to reel in what turns out to be a world class marlin.
Best thing I played at Dave and Busters was Let’s Go! Island. Shooting 600 photorealistic coconut crabs while riding a jeep through a luxury resort and then getting a love compatibility rating with your co-op buddy based on how many times you both shot the same crab… Now that is true Sega Excellence.
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idk man I’m saying the jury is out on it being reactionary and early indication show signs of it possibly being… based?
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an early game sidequest involves investigating a murdered hooker and the game makes sure to emphasize how cases like that are always basically ignored and it’s noted that robocop is going against authority by investigating it.
like idk it wouldn’t be true to the film if it depicted all the cops as evil but it feels like the game is still very focused on highlighting systemic injustice enough for that to possibly be a subtext.
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the real question is, will you get to shoot a guy in the dick? that will settle things. but it honestly seems likely based on what I’ve played.
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When you shoot a guy in the dick he doubles over soldier of fortune style
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A frined of mine is in town for the rest of the month, so I’ve been trying to fill her trip with as much cool shit as possible. Thanks to the help of one of my local Furry friends, we took a trip to the the Next Level Pinball Museum last week! Twenty two bucks and you get free-play on every machine that isn’t a crane game. They have over five hundred machines and pretty much all of them worked, with active repairs happening throughout the time I was there if they didn’t.
Naturally, pinball was the biggest draw. They had a decent chunk of arcade machines too, however most of them had their CRTs replaced with LCDs. Really, really, smeary high latency CRTs, which made a lot of those games nearly impossible to play. There were of course multiple incredibly mid Raw Thrills cabinets, which feel like much less of a ripoff when you can play them for free, but still they don’t…really pull me in.
Now, I have a lot of easy access to pinball in my neck of the woods, so I’ve seen a lot of machines but most of the stuff here was totally new to me. I was overwhelmed with options so I just…played every machine themed after anthropomorphic animals. 
…ok and whatever other weird shit caught my eye. They had a lot of late 90s pinball machines based on blockbusters that I was aware of from a tender young age.
I’m not a pinball expert, so I won’t be able to like…say much about the machines in a way that matters but I do want to call out some gimmicks!
(There’s a cut here because of all the pics I took, you have been warned)
The Arcade:
Summary
The gimmick for this game is that it has two tables, one built into the back where the scoreboard would normally be. You have to get a ball up there, and then use the flippers in the top half (with great difficulty) to hit targets against gravity. It’s neat!
…yeah I just played this briefly for the cat and mouse theme. It didn’t really leave much of an impression. Aparrently the guy on the table is a recurring antagonist in other pinball games after this? Like the better know Junkyard?
I really liked the theming on this one for obvious reasons. It was incredibly obnoxious and making constant meows, rawrs, and roars while playing the game. The lady whacks the cat with the broom periodically, but never long enough to actually like, see when you’re playing the game mysteriously? I also don’t really know why it’s housecat themed but periodically just breaks it up with like, tigers and other big cats. Weird machine but it was fun.
Did I misread the pinball machine with the lion man on it as Sword of Furry? …yes.
There was a ted nugent machine. It sucked, so very on brand.
This one combines furry aesthetic with horny pinball dad energy. I’d specifically seen this one held up as a perfect example of how weird and seemingly for nobody a lot of pinball machine aesthetics could be. Naturally I love it.
I don’t think there has ever been a movie more suited to being a pinball machine than Flash Gordon. it’s a pretty basic table though, kind of in a weird spot of being new enough it’s not compellingly low tech but also too old to have a bunch of unhinged mechanical bits. Still, aesthetically incredible.
The theming on this one confuses the hell out of me. It’s…cops with hyper detailed swat weaponry. But is also furries. It’s like someone got all the way into making this thing and realized that making a cop based pinball game with a fucking sniper rife bonus was a bad look but was so married to it they were like “Woah, if it’s furries it’s all good”. Alternatively, Zootopia ripped this machine off. The cool little plastic car that advances as you hit targets is nifty though.
I didn’t actually get a shot of the backglass for this machine because I was too distracted by it using actual toys in the decoration. I know that because I had that Juipiter 2 and Robot toy when I was a kid. All the sega machines from the late 90s were like this, they featured stuff that I’m 90% sure were just…toys from the era. I desperately want to know why they did that but have no anwers.
I didn’t have Starship Troopers toys but boy did the bugs in this machine look like that. This one had a terrible plunger that didn’t constantly launch the ball so I didn’t really play it as much as I would have liked.
Even the little space ship in the Apollo 13 board looks like a toy. Also…why is there an Apollo 13 pinball table? Something just feels weird about that. But the theming works, it had a shooter that’s activated by twisting a rocket ignition switch.
This was loaded with fun magnet-based gimmics that levitate the ball and make it fly around. Love to Silence the Critics.
Playboy pinball machine with a little beaded draped curtain for one of the shoot targets. Like all playboy stuff, it’s so horny it stops being horny and just starts feeling uncomfortable. Apparently one of the inserts had several different girls available to see which one made you the most money from the dudes playing this.
I didn’t actually play too many of the game machines because of the aforementioned shitty LCD displays…but LA Machine guns had a decent screen and working machine gun mechanism and completely destroyed my hand as I cleared it on freeplay. I regret not getting a photo of something cool.
Here’s wicked tuna! It sure is a Raw thrills gimmick based arcade game seemingly based on reality show so generic it has to be fake…but is real! It’s been on the air ten years. I’ve never interacted with it in any way, or even knew of it, it until this game which was had such generic Deadliest Catch Ripoff vibes that I assumed it wasn’t even a real thing!
Here’s some assorted other arcade machine shots:
And other Ambiance
Overall, a really cool place. I hope I have the chance to go back there again, especially with some Sbutts that can point me to the good pinball machines!
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there is a first person pov sex scene in the terminator game that you get because the commander wants you to kill a guy for her
and it is maybe the funniest videogame sex scene i have ever seen because they switch positions like 8 times and the camera is 2 inches away from the NPCs face. i couldnt stop laughing and then daphny was like JEEZ YOURE RAILING THE SHIT OUT OF HER which made it even funnier. It looks like fucking fake factory cinematic mod
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this post made me laugh while drinking and i almost spit my drink everywhere lol
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one of the millions of positions she does is of course on her back and she puts her arms above the head and if you’ve ever watched a 90s sexual thriller youre very much expecting the protag to put his hand on her hand but its a videogame so people cant touch and she just lies there staring at her hand but before you can think about how cold all of this is shes back to girl on top all whites of eyes and unreal engine teeth
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Oh were they doing an homage to the bizarrely edited sex scene in the first terminator? First person garry’s mod remake of the terminator sex scene
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i mean… not really? like its a first person view of a woman changing where she is on the bed and you see her from the chest up the whole time and nothing else. theres an awkward song though
like every time this game is making a reference you cant miss it either, its all like HEY HEY DID YOU GET IT DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE’RE REFRENCING HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE too so yeah i definitley dont think thats what they were going for at all, its just awkward
the legacy of the witcher 3
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oh, they patched in dick shots? I played it before the update and the first thing I tried was a dick shot and got nothing
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I definitely shot every torch head in the dick after I saw the animation, yes
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They do so many shot for shot remakes of other shit in the game (including you seeing Kyle Reese’s nightmare with Ferro happen FOR REALS!!) that this is giving them too much credit unfortunately
Also the LOVE THEME is hilarious
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i love that we were calling it ‘theme of romance’ as a joke but the song is TRULY CALLED LOVE THEME
crystal theme from hoarders
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I did finish the game last night and I mean honestly it’s fine. It’s like a 2.5/5 game, which is good for a licensed game…not really so much by anyone elses standards. at its best it feels like a weird reimagining of the old bethesda terminator games like Future Shock and Skynet where you’re in big open future war environments doing shit, at its worst it looks and feels like a fallout 4 total conversion.
there is almost nothing to do in these levels outside of the objectives and collecting crafting ingredients. it’s not like a deus ex type thing where there are SKYNET INSTALLATIONS with multiple paths in or anything like when you find them they are prefab structures that look like they were made in gmod. you kind of just wander in and out of destroyed buildings, which sometimes have vents you need to crawl through instead. that’s about all you get in terms of interesting level design. it sucks and it feels like youre playing fucking fallout half the time especially once you get plasma weapons, which happens annoyingly fast after terminators appear! it turns the game into this
which is like not really the vibe i had from the future war scenes in the movie! all kyle reese needed to do was grab a bunch of spare plasma cells and herd the terminators in a circle by breaking LOS and the fucking war would’ve been over in a week apparently. especially because every single skynet patrol walks past a column of glowing explosive barrels placed 10 feet apart by skynet and makes sure to stop next to them so youre never in any real danger. I had 34 medkits built up at the end of this game.
terminators are a threat approximately once in this terminator game, which is the first time you encounter them (allegedly in the ruins of the hospital Sarah Connor is being held in in Terminator 2 bc you can find her diagnosis on a paper on the floor still lol) and don’t have any weapons that can damage them. shotguns can knock them over because hey remember the first movie? but thats it. Unfortunately you can just hack the turrets in this part which kills terminators effortlessly and lets you loot their plasma guns even though the game thankfully puts a skill restriction on them so you can’t just start fucking blasting. The other problem with this sequence is that you have goggles that spot enemies through walls and they are REALLY useful in this part, so the player constantly sees enemies spawn in on the other side of the wall in front of them, and the segment is so heavily scripted that half the time when you take cover a huge line of terminators marches past you for tension. which is cool until they repeat this style of level in the prologue for the DLC and you realize that’s the only trick they have. but it’s almost kind of scary right
there’s like three or four levels set during the day which of course looks terrible, they’re literally like going for the color grading of Terminator Salvation which makes me deeply upset, and they successfully manage to drain any atmosphere the game has during their duration. i will say the last half of the game did feel a little better despite the repeated levels because it wasnt afraid to turn into discount metro 2033 and get linear, it sort of feels like the early game is more open to accommodate the Choices Matter side quests which also coalesce in a discount metro moral decision where you have to find ways to get your friends out of the bunker (which has the same meticulously recreated layout as the one kyle reese has a nightmare about ofc) before that nightmare happens. Interestingly I got the best ending without really trying idk I guess because I’ve seen fucking terminator? but in the ending dialogue the main character still alludes to having to fix his mistakes despite me keeping everyone possible alive.
The game actually loves making kyle reese’s ptsd nightmares canon, the DLC literally exists to explain a bunch of shit in terminator 1 you probably weren’t actually wondering about like “Do all the infiltrators look like arnold?” or “Did that lady getting vaporized and kyle reese jumping into a car actually happen?” because the plot is that the main character of the game is SUPER important actually, his dad went to school with john connor and you retrieve a sealed envelope from a time capsule, but skynet takes your dad away and you never see him again!! Ofc over the course of your cool secret mission with kyle reese you watch the scene where the lady gets vaporized through binocs then pull him out of the burning car the scene ends at in the movie. sometimes his dialogue resembles the way michael biehn talks in the movie but most of the time is just w/e you get all the answers to these questions but none of them really make sense in the context of the movie. Like the guy who’s the model for the infiltrators, apparently when John Connor saw him he had this like weird stunned moment of recollection upon seeing him because Terminator 2 right but the game calls him a model 102 which is what the other infiltrator from the first movie in the future war scene is, which doesn’t make any fucking sense, because John wouldn’t have had a visceral reaction like that to a guy he’s never seen before! They call arnold a cyberdyne systems model 101 like, multiple times in the movies. There’s no celebrity likenesses either so when we finally retrieve the Sarah Connor picture and it’s just like a completely intact postcard sized jpeg of Linda Hamilton it comes across as funny. This doesn’t make sense either because in the first movie Reese is literally like “i memorized every line, every curve. i came across time for you, sarah” which seems sort of excessive if he’s only had the photo for like a fucking week before at the most going back in time. Also his photo was damaged and raggedy as fuck but whatever. This game is literally tailor made for people autistic about the first two terminator movies like I am so really they could’ve done a lot better on that front despite the grueling amount of fan service already in the game.
The robocop game is certainly a lot more…coherent? just from the demo alone.
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Creative Assembly need to make Alien: Isolation again but with the Terminator.
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I wasn’t even like a huge fan of isolation but it makes sense that the best parts of the terminator game are reminiscent of it, because the game is just a big pile of ideas from other shit. I got really excited every time there were 50 terminators stomping around with the scary music!
There’s a level that reminded me of Fallout: The Frontier which made me laugh my ass off because it means they ripped off the terminator game.
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