Childhood Thread 2: Basic Things About Reality You Didn't Quite Grasp As a Lil Babby

My childhood home had a big yard with a big old elm tree in it. My parents would often have parties under the tree in the warm months and the kids would run around playing with the water hose. At the age of 4 I found out that if you swing a bucket filled with water around fast enough it would stay in the bucket. I was absolutely amazed at the trick and showed it to my grandfather. He told me that it was called centrifugal force and I thought it was some kind of magic.

In an effort to extend my knowledge he decided to teach me another lesson. He told me to pour out the water. I did and he explained to me that this was called gravity. “It makes things go down,” he said. Now, I’m sure grandfather meant well, but going from the wild concept of centrifugal force to something as mundane as gravity confused my young brain. My logic was that surely this second lesson must progress to more magical than the first. I pondered what he had said, and ran off to get more water to perform a gravity trick.

I went to the elm tree and poured the water at the base fully expecting it to go down, or get smaller, or something. “Perhaps it needs more gravity,” I can imagine thinking. I must have spent a half hour watering the tree with my bucket before somebody stopped me.

Years later, I remember enlisting several of the neighborhood boys to help me try and pull the tree down with a rope. I don’t know what my thing was with that tree.

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I used to think Jesus was evil because he had a beard

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Did you work at Square in the late 90’s?

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I once mused out loud during a family road trip that I’d like to be a comedian when I grew up, or maybe make license plates

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I used to travel from Ohio to North Carolina to see my grandmother when I was growing up. I lived (and still do because I am boring) in Cleveland, which hey, giant lake, so water comes from there. At my grandma’s house, in the mountains in eastern NC, it was obviously well/reservoir water. Remember this.

So one time, I was probably abouy 7 or 8, I was staying at her house, and I took a shit. It just felt like a normal shit, and I was wiping my ass but doing that thing where you check the paper to make sure you got nothing left to wipe, and…it was green. Like seaweed green. And I freaked out.

I wiped an absolute bunch then, because GET IT OUT GET IT OUT and then checked the toilet and well, there were some seaweed logs just floating there. And kid brain me knows poop is brown; that is just a basic rule of the universe at this point. And, well, clearly not the case. But I was also a budding little scifi nerd, so my first honest to god thought was “well, maybe aliens have different poop…?” and then “well, maybe I am an alien…?” and then “well clearly I am a vulcan, right? Because they look a lot like humans. I mean, I don’t have pointy ears, but whatever, that could jsut be me.”

So I came running out of the bathroom clearly very anxious and concerned, run up to my mom, and say “Mom! Mom! Uh, I think I am an alien!” and she looks very puzzled, and asks why, and I inform her that it is because my poop is green, and she laughs a lot at this, and then tells me that something in the NC water just does that to poop. I was saddened and relieved at the same time.

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When I was about 6 I used to think that a cow’s udder was analogous to the human penis because, I mean, it’s right there between the legs!

Needless to say, my older brothers were very amused when I told them this. I’m not sure how long it took me to realize why exactly I was wrong.

There was a water tower out in the woods surrounding Pierce, ID, my dad’s hometown where I lived for only the first year of my life. There was also a water tower atop a hill in Pocatello, ID way down in SE Idaho where I lived until I was 9.

Seeing the latter from the car, I somehow became convinced that these were the same objects, that they were a bridge space between Pierce and Pocatello, that if I just climbed that hill I could walk out into the woods around my dad’s home town and see my grandparents and cousins.

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It could also be a portal to Tao #warriorsofvirtue

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Third month on HRT is quite the surprise

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Because the only ‘gulf’ I’d heard of was the Gulf of Mexico, I was convinced the first Gulf War was being fought in, like, Florida. I was too terrified by the implications to ever talk about it out loud so no one corrected me.

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This thread fucking owns

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Okay, so when I made this thread I knew that I’d eventually tell this story. So here goes! I think I only told it once before on SB, shortly after it happened, but I probably end up telling it about once a year. It’s a little long, but it’s a good’un!

So, in college I worked at a program in which college kids would go to schools to help out during class or in after school programs. I ended up going to a private Christian school in a working class neighborhood that was entirely black. For those who don’t know, I’m white, and–particularly at the time–I looked kind of like a young Justin Bieber (button nose, big ol’ teeth, swoopy mop top). I was working with a third grade class. They really liked having a pushover adult around who wasn’t a teacher, so we really got along.

One day at after-school one of the girls touched my nose and said, “Mr. B, why is your nose so pointy?” I really didn’t know how to answer that, so I think I said something like, “Everyone’s born different” or whatever. The next day the same girl was like, “Mr. B, why is your hair so soft? Do you straighten it?” and I was like, “Uuuuuh. No, it just grows that way.” The next day, the girl walked up to me, struck a kind of attitude pose, and was like, “Mr. B, I asked my mom why your hair is so straight, and she told me. It’s because you’re white!”

This led to a miniature pandemonium of kids shouting, “No! No! There’s no way! Mr. B isn’t white!” During all this, I had no idea how to react. It felt like this was some weird teachable moment, and I really didn’t know how to handle it responsibly. Eventually, this really bright, funny kid named Makaya said sagely, “I’ll tell y’all if he’s white.” She beckoned for my hand, and I held it out to her. She took my hand gingerly and began inspecting my palm like a psychic. She made “hmmmm” sounds and ran her eyes along the topographies beneath my fingers.

Eventually, she looked up at me and said, “Maybe he’s a little white.”


I’ve had people react to this story by saying the kids were just stupid (they weren’t), and I’ve always suspected that if I told it to a mass audience people would think I just made it up or that the kids were screwing around with me. But here’s how I process it:

These kids had seen plenty of white people in their lives. They had TV. Some of them had Hannah Montana backpacks. But–as probably most of us here know–“whiteness” is not really about skin and not really that obvious a concept for a kid. Just like I forgot that adults don’t just keep growing until they’re giants in my first story in this thread, despite being surrounded by adults, I think these kids weren’t really sure what being white actually was, because it wasn’t something that was ever reinforced in their daily lives within an all-black neighborhood.

The whole thing made me think of a This American Life intro in which a black woman talked about thinking the white people she saw in the city were ghosts. She talks about being a “PBS kid” in the piece. I know that she saw white people on PBS.

A year later, I was eating a donut with an Asian friend in the same neighborhood where I had TA’ed and a little kid rode by on a tricycle, waved, and shouted, “Hi ghosts!”

So, whenever people talk about how fundamental race is or that humans naturally discriminate by race–if there’s time–I tell this story.

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I’m a couple decades old but I’m still growing and learning.

Recently I was in a one of those bars with no stall door in the bathroom and I really had to take a dump. I was really far from home and didn’t really have any alternative but to do my business out in the open. I got really self conscious when it was time to wipe because it dawned on me that I don’t know how most people do that. Like what if I’m the only person in the world who looks at the paper post wipe to see where they are in the process and someone walks in and witnesses me doing this.

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I’m just going to run with this. Hashtag laurelpoop

In latch key in like 4th grade I found a small turd in the pocket of my jeans. To this day I have no idea how it got there. I got really worried that I had somehow shit my pants (which would be uncharacteristic for me) and it worked it’s way there through a hole in my pocket or something. I still can’t wrap my head around what happened.

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Someone was fucking with you or for some reason they had a turd and needed to hide it–quick.

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Absolutely, otherwise how could you know you were done? I’m with you brother

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do the insides of your bumcheeks not have the sense of touch?

you’re done when there’s no poo feeling

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Third option is to ask someone else to check, I usually just give a thumbs up from 5 metres away “you good to go”

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does not account for the incredibly common Ghost Poo

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Okay, let’s just get this out of the way:

The other two shit questions are

  • Do you bunch or fold the toilet paper?
  • Do you sit or stand to wipe?

Bunch or fold doesn’t matter. Sitting is more popular and better. I switched.

What y’all don’t know is that the best way to clean your ass is the Thai style toilets that have a little hose that you reach back and use. You have the superior cleanliness and environmental friendliness of the bidet, but more control and no surprise. Plus it’s useful for cleaning the toilet.

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