Vampire Survivors is a 3rd grader’s hastily scribbled game idea executed by a genius, a fool’s kazoo warbles interpreted as a great master’s symphony.
6 Likes
Puyo Puyo 2 costs 500 seconds
6 Likes
Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins is business as usual conveyed through the keyhole of an upside down dollhouse (***)
Wario Land: Super Mario Land 3 is a cushion flipping foray into the avuncular sofa dome (***)
Virtual Boy Wario Land is the Magic Eye poster that hangs on the wall opposite the toilet in Satan’s washroom in which you take the crunchiest dump of your life (***½)
11 Likes
Doom 64 is a feast for the senses (***)
2 Likes
Gunvalkyrie is the abject thrill of driving a Ferrari with your feet tied together (***½)
Gungrave is, to quote Hobbes, "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, short and sick as hell (***)
9 Likes
Rygar: The Legendary Adventure is a misremembered meditation on “ruins” as both noun and verb (***)
Mischief Makers is the benevolent gesture of a box of broken toys bequeathed (***)
7 Likes
Donkey Kong 64 is the banality of domestic existence. (**)
9 Likes
The Great Ace Attorney is a fantastic non-legal case for specificity. (****)
2 Likes
Jet Force Gemini is death by MacGuffin. (**)
7 Likes
Tomb Raider is a mid-90’s computer enthusiast’s wet dream of the future’s head-on collision with a brutal and inexplicable past
3 Likes
Fire Emblem Warriors is like if a fill in the blanks worksheet was filled with the dullest sentences imaginable
2 Likes
Exo One is not offended when people misattribute its sound-barrier shattering rolling speed accomplishments to the slow, clunky, and lame blue hedgehog games from the cartoon planet earth.
2 Likes
New Super Mario Bros. Wii is a pre-chewed piece of gum
8 Likes
Metroid Dread: a seemingly non-linear game which masterfully leads you forward all the time and, ultimately, leaves you with nothing. (*½)
6 Likes
Wario Land 4 is a hamburger built by Ouija board (***½)
7 Likes
Dark Souls II is sitting in your living room at night with a single ceiling light on because you don’t have any lamps
3 Likes
Bowser’s Fury is an all-you-can-eat interfaith community potluck where only the Mormons and Unitarians show up (**½)
Wario World is the homework that ate your dog (*)
7 Likes
Super Mario Bros. Wonder is Madden NSMB 23
18 Likes
Hey hater.
3 Likes
damn the hater has logged on to clown my mareos