I thought 2017 was the year I learned to love games again but I’m looking at the new shit I played and it was all big budget Japanese sequels and anime fighters. I needed comfort this year! These games gave it to me!
1. YAKUZA 0
Here’s a short list of modern works that I’m envious of:
- Nathan For You
- That Yakuza 0 sidestory where Kamiya undertakes a sneaking mission to help a kid buy a porno mag from a vending machine.
I’m pretty sure this game kept me from going 120% loco post-inauguration. The pacing still sucks and the main crime story would be so much better if it had a good dub and was half as short but everything else is so good…! It is so funny. It is fun to punch dudes. I love making money and seeing numbers go up, which I’m not proud to admit but that hostess club minigame is better than anything Sid Meier or Will Wright ever made.
OK, except Pirates! Pirates! was cool.
I’m currently really sick and in a real black mood. Nothing was soothing my body or soul but I booted up Yakuza Kiwami in the dead of night and it helped. Just a nice relaxing game, even though it’s too violent and not nearly as good as 0. But fuck, I love finding things and going on fetch quests and helping people. I don’t wanna be a violent badass! I just want to help people who have been inconvenienced, or have fallen on hard times, or who are really horny. That’s what a real hero does.
2. PUYO PUYO TETRIS
This is new to the USA, okay. It also counts as an anime fighter. I used to be the #8 ranked Switch player in New York state. That probably doesn’t sound impressive but New York has lots of people and the Switch is very popular so I bet I could beat, like, Daigo or fatal1ty.
I am going to rip off Love Theme From Puyo Puyo someday soon. Gonna write a vocal version, all about like…driving a car and thinking about a cutie while sipping a melted milkshake. Just a nice lazy rock tune.
3. TEKKEN 7
I somehow dumped 100 hours into this over the course of…2 weeks? This came out while I was moving/my life was completely going to hell so I really have no clue how I managed to play it so much.
During my first trips to Japan I played a bunch of Tekken. I had no clue how to play so I picked Akuma and just played SF4. I won sometimes. Usually against people who seemed to walk away from the machine cuz they weren’t having fun dealing with constant DPs and hadokens. I wanted to practice prior to my latest trip but the one time I played the game I got so stressed out that I stopped cuz it was clearly very bad for my health.
I still played it a bunch in Tokyo arcades though. It still stressed me the fuck out. I lost a ton with Jack but went on a few winning streaks with Kazumi, even though I totally forgot most of what I’d learned back in June. It was so much fun. I’m so glad I don’t live in Japan. I’d go broke playing arcade games. I’d also probably be totally unbeatable and an esports genius cuz if I’m this good while barely remembering how to play the game…damn.
Tekken 7 didn’t have enough Go Shiina songs but I don’t wanna link to the High School Musical tune from Tag 2 (even though it’s great) so here, he wrote this I think. I didn’t even listen to it but I bet it’s cool enough.
4. ZELDA AND MARIO
They were both top tier and I don’t want to write about them.
I’m sorry for linking that video but I know I was talking about it to someone the other day. I don’t wanna talk to you unless you have at least one memory of downloading a mislabeled mp3 off a file sharing service, preferably over dialup.
I would never download a fucking System of a Down song. Not even a fake one. They fucking sucked. But someone did upload it to an on-line dropbox of mine, thinking maybe I’d like it, which is maybe one of the greatest burns I’ve ever been subjected to.
I cried twice playing Mario. I’m really embarrassed by that but sorry, that Sonic song was really great and further proof that Mario always, always, always does everything way better than Sonic. Sonic sucks.
5. PLAYING FIGHTERS WITH SELECT BUTTS
Playing Guilty Gear Xrd Rev 2 and shit with @ferrets was the only time I played games and didn’t feel 100% guilty about it. Also the handful of occasions when @botagel, @drem and I got together to play UNIEL and Nitro Plus Blasterz, which are great games with horrible netcode which makes them even greater games because I was able to land all this super unsafe braindead shit and, occasionally, win with it. That fucking Nitro Plus hammer girl’s overhead may as well have been an unblockable with all that input delay! The only time in my life I was happy to play without rollback netcode.
6. FIRE PRO WRESTLING WORLD
I’ll confess: I don’t really know how to play Fire Pro but I buy every fucking release and pretend I do.
Earlier in the year I was considering becoming a professional Fire Pro gamer streamer. Figured I’d buy a green screen. Design a mask. Just develop this whole persona and stream Fire Pro Returns fourteen hours a day. But then like 2 weeks after planning began they announced a new FPW and I lost all interest in doing pro-graps gamer streaming. Why bother if I’m gonna have competition!?
But I still bought the game when it came out and I did play it a bunch, but only during late night casual gamer streams while incredibly drunk. So it was just lots of me blathering on about old timey wrestling gossip while failing to play the game properly. Like “…and THAT’S how Abdullah the Butcher lost his Chinese BBQ restaurant cuz he gave a guy hepa – oh shit I forgot how you kick out of pin attempts. Fuck this game!!”
It was a lot of fun.
7. SPELUNKER PARTY
I’m the #1 Spelunker Party player on Steam. This may be because I’m one of 5 Spelunker Party players on Steam. This game isn’t as good as Spelunker HD (The Demon’s Souls of 2D Platformers) but it’s good enough to be the last game of 2017 that I can remember liking.
Thank you.