Same, that’s not nearly enough gay romance options
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the bitcher
where’s 
that geralt donger at
no I won’t check tumblr I need official release
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I hope this innovative list of games, that many gamers have read, is continued with more games that innovate.
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Everybody’s talking about the list and it’s getting recognized more and more.
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when the fuck are you gonna write about my games
406. ODAMA

Earlier today I made many ill-considered posts and comments on-line, as is my wont. Someday I will stop doing that, I’m sure. Maybe when I’m done with this list my need to blather about the most trivial shit will be purged from my system and I can go back to being a mostly-happy hermit. But for now the need to communicate is here, and it is pressing, and I am so sorry.
One of my dumb posts was about a voice powered vibrating dildo I read about. If I had the tiniest bit of forethought I would have just posted about it here, but my process has been this:
- Check what’s next on the list.
- Write a bunch of words.
- Feel too self-conscious to post them. Decide to revise later.
- Hours before this shit gets Axed I return to my Scrivener file, take a snapshot of whatever I’d written days before, then delete it all without reading and start anew.
- Spend an hour mashing at my keyboard and then hit post without actually proofreading, hoping I didn’t embarrass myself too much.
- Edit the post 30 times. Is it fun to watch me edit in real time, early birds? I hope so. Not often you get to see a master at work.
- Go to bed and hope no one burns down my house while I sleep cuz I said something rude about their favorite game.
So yeah. Not much forethought here. I bet I’ve written about 200 games so far. I bet someday I’ll have a more sensible process. I bet you can’t believe I keep some things close to my chest. But it’s true, gentle reader. I’m taking some things to the grave, including whatever’s in my Vault. I learned from Prince’s mistake. Anything I haven’t published is getting nuked before I kick off.
Anyway I read about this vibrating dildo, right? I don’t know exactly how it works because I only read about it in a description for a parents’ video. I did not watch this video. Only read about it, and if the description is to be believed you shout into a microphone, which is attached to the vibrating dildo, and this causes more intense vibrations. One of the reasons I did not watch this video is because I try to live a clean life. Another reason is because it would have cost me money; it was for parents with selective tastes. And the third reason is because I doubted that dildo could live up to my mental image. Just the world’s rudest looking megaphone. All pink. Maybe it had some wires that were purple. Maybe it was like one of Darth Vader voice changing masks, but instead of an asthmatic James Earl Jones you sound like Barry White. Imagine…something that hot. Fuck.
I never bought nor played Odama. It’s not a rare title. It’s been readily available at rock bottom prices for well over a decade now. But I avoided it for the same reason I didn’t watch that tasteful piece of erotic art: there’s no way a voice-activated pinball game set in feudal Japan from the creator of Seaman and Yoot Tower could live up to my expectations.
It also probably didn’t even work. Have you played Seaman? That dude didn’t understand shit. Imagine if you had a vibrator that was as unresponsive as Seaman. May as well get back with my ex-husband if I wanted that shit. Am I right, ladies??
405. SAINTS ROW 4

Saints Row was more interesting as a slightly more playable Grand Theft Auto clone than as a bad Crackdown. Like I dunno why you’d play this when you can just replay Crackdown. But Saints Row is ugly, the jokes are bad, there’s no friction to anything, and it has a restaurant named “Freckle Bitch’s”*. Why would you drive a car in this game? Is it fun? It was fun in Crackdown. Everything was fun in that game, and you never had to watch a cutscene or go on a mission or suffer through comedy to get to the good stuff.
Grand Theft Auto V has many problems but it is fun to drive out into the desert on an ATV while listening to D-Train. Very good soundtrack in that game. I mean, that’s the only song I remember from it right now, but it’s the only song you need.
404. NIER AUTOMATA

I will never play this game but here are a few things I know about it:
- It has a butt. It may or may not have a butthole. One of the hits I got doing an image search was a YouTube thumbnail that said “NIER AUTOMATA BUTTHOLE HOAX”. I didn’t watch that video, because I am a good man, but here I am telling you about it, so maybe I’m not that good. Such a video would only be watchable if I was getting paid, and if it made judicious use of the old Richard Bey soundboard. Just non-stop boi-oi-oing sound effects and Yello-style "OHH YEAHHHHH"s.
- It has multiple endings, some of which may be sad. I think you are a fool if you willingly dump dozens of hours into a game only to end up sad. If you disagree I refer you to the #458 Game Of All Times DOTA 2 for a refresher on just how sad games can be. Also: nearly every other game on this list. Except for #1. That one’s a good, happy game, and I hope you’re looking forward to it.
- Not too long ago @Rudie and I took turns trying to score Nier Automata headphones from a UFO Catcher. We did not win. We put too many yencoins in that thing. Days later we met up with the Kawaiikochan’s author-san and he gave us many good tips on how to win at UFO Catching. I don’t believe we ever got the chance to employ these techniques but even if we could…I think I’ve been scared straight. Never do UFO Catching. It is the saddest game that isn’t the #458 Game Of All Times DOTA 2.
403. SKY ODYSSEY
Somewhere on my hard drive there’s a Scrivener snapshot where I declare this game very pretty yet unplayable but it turns out I was thinking of Skygunner. Sky Odyssey is a very different game from Skygunner. For one thing it doesnt have any guns. Now there’s a chance I’m wrong on that. I spent 20 minutes trying to play it earlier today and I couldn’t clear the first mission, but if you never shoot anything that’s one thing this game has over Pilotwings. God, I want to pretend that helicopter mission in Pilotwings is *not canon", but thanks to this list I’m a professional gaming journalist and that means I have an obligation to the truth.
And here’s the truth: aside from the lack of guns this game is worse than Pilotwings, because it doesn’t have cute flight instructors, the music isn’t as soothing, and I feel like the controls are complex enough that it could be used to train terrorists. This is a dangerous game, which is probably why @anonymous owns three copies of it. One of them was mine once upon a time! I bet it still has some of my germs on it so it’s surely the most valuable of the trio. I bet it’ll be in a museum someday. A baton passed amongst the greats.
402. MAGICAL DINOSAUR TOUR
One day in 5th grade my old 1st grade teacher pulled me aside at the end of the school day. She said she had a favor to ask of me. This was a bit weird. Made me a bit nervous. But I loved this teacher. She was a sweet large Italian woman whose wardrobe was comprised solely of pantsuits worthy of Bea Arthur’s wardrobe on Maude. I think I was one of her favorite students, which was odd because I was always out sick and rarely did my homework but even from an early age I guess I was able to coast by on charismas. I am truly blessed.
So we’re standing in this hallway and this beloved teacher asks me to come to the old classroom and give her students a lesson on dinosaurs. This was a subject I was very passionate about when I was her pupil, yet had cooled off on a bit since. I was nervous, and not too enthusiastic, but after further prodding a lightbulb went off over my head, and I said yes. I would give her students the gift of education.
So later in the week I brought a TurboGrafx CD to school, signed out a TV from the A/V department, and bored the shit out of classroom full of 7 year olds by making them watch me play Magical Dinosaur Tour**. I had visions of my lesson ending with these brats finding the strength to hoist me upon their puny shoulders and parading me around the elementary school while chanting my name (which is Sexgod), but no. Magical Dinosaur Tour may have been a piece of software for a video game console but it was as boring as any book. Turns out it’s just a bunch of sprites and a long list of dinosaur names? I think I spent about five minutes trying to pronounce “quetzalcoatl”. That was probably the high point. The low point was my former teacher asking me to cut it short and showing a filmstrip instead.
The kids were pretty into the filmstrip.
After that I never taught again but I have continued to disappoint every woman I’ve ever known***.
*I did take the time to check if this fast food franchise makes an appearance in Saints Row 4 and it does not but that name is so lame this series is never going to live it down as far as I’m concerned.
**I am retroactively declaring this history’s first “Let’s Play”. Someone edit wikipedia on my behalf, thanks.
***Not using this in the Biblical Sense. Everyone I’ve Known probably had a good time.
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100% correct
never have you been so wrong.
but ok, sky odyssey has a slow start but then the missions become absolutely incredible. Like nothing you’ve ever seen in a flgiht sim. Fly through canyons while they collapse around you! Fly through a whirling vortex of storm clouds to get to a distant island!
There’s nothing else like it
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yeah sky odyssey is really really good once you figure out how to play it
also saints row is 120% about friendship, which is something almost all writers on the games miss
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Yeah but 3 and 4 are the ones to play and 1 and 2 have a lot of bad game.
But hey Hobo you should play saints row 3 and 4.
2 has some OK game as long as you can appreciate it being kinda a broken mess, but with better clothing options than 3-4.
3 and 4 are the much more joyous games though, yeah.
Do not play 1. Maybe download the demo for 1 from Live to understand why you shouldn’t play 1.
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Will Stan Bush’s “The Touch” make me give any game a pass? Probably! Worked for Shadow Warrior!
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Yeah, one lesson of SR3 and 4 is that a well timed licensed music drop in gaming is a thing that people do not appreciate enough, including The Touch, I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing, Kanye West’s Power, and I Need a Hero.
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Also just a friend and opposites attract
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I mean, even the Sublime song, as much as Sublime is a thing the world now does not like.
And the Classical music for Pierce.
Really, music is such a characterization thing in those games.
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Among the many many wonderful things about Saints Row 4 is that (and they actually mentioned this in the postmortem) they actually had the studio $$ to license every perfectly cheesy song that occurred to them during development.
Everyone should be that lucky
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also glow has now made using the transformers movie soundtrack seem cool and all but I still think the number of people who are aware that Saints Row 4 actually uses the dialogue between optimus prime and megatron verbatim during the final boss fight (just because they could) is not large
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God I should play Saint’s Row 4 again…
On my PS4???
B.O.B. is the best SR4 track don’t @ me 80s kids
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