no number, what’s a guy to do
Stubbs The Zombie owns, tho
480. METAL GEAR SOLID 5: THE PHANTOM PAIN
I think Hideo Kojima’s games largely suck. As far as I’m concerned all the dude’s got is that ladder, the first 2/3 of Snatcher, Olga’s armpit hair, and Otacon crying over doing incest. Rest of his shit is just a lotta bad boss fights, too many cutscenes about politics, and a whole lotta vile sex shit. Like I’m pretty sure half the interactions in Policenauts qualify as sexual assault. Pretty sure that game is the worst pretty game of all time.
The Phantom Pain is the only good Kojima game. It let me sneak around a bunch while listening to Dead or Alive, and when I had to blow stuff up it blew up real good. You could ride a horse, pet a dog, and drive a robot. I never had to pay attention to the cutscenes, and it was pretty devoid of weird shit that would have suckered me into not skipping them.
I never finished it and that is okay, cuz neither did Kojima.
I hope Death Stranding doesn’t have any shooting and if anyone gets groped I hope it’s del Toro, and I hope the culprit is the baby.
(You could pet a dog, right? If so maybe it’s better than Breath of the Wild.)
479. SPELUNKER HD
In another thread I called this game “The Demon’s Souls of 2D Platformers”. You can tell this was a time ago, cuz I said Demon’s Souls instead of Dark Souls – there was a brief window such a comparison was slightly novel, okay. The spelunker’s shuffle and his tiny hops and his fragile little ankles kinda gives Spelunker HD the methodical pace that got me all hot for older From games.
It’s also the only time I’ve had fun playing a local co-op game this century. I usually have to play with people who aren’t very good at games, and this is the perfect game for that, because everyone fucks up and ends up shouting at each other and maybe some violence happens.
If I had friends I woulda played this in co-op more than once. Then it woulda been top 10. But this is a fallen world so it’s 479.
478. The Magical Realms Of Tír Na Nóg: Escape From Necron 7 – Revenge Of Cuchulainn: The Official Game Of The Movie – Chapter 2 Of The Hoopz Barkley Saga
Here are the only two games of the future you should care about:
and
BARKLEY 2.
That’s the most arrogant thing I’ve ever written in my life and if I wake up dead tomorrow it’s because God is real and I paid the price.
477. GRABBED BY THE GHOULIES
As a kid I read this comment in EGM about how Blue’s Journey for Neo-Geo “isn’t as adult oriented as its title might lead you to believe” or something along those lines. And that nagged at me for years, because I couldn’t figure what the fuck they meant. I’m still not sure. Maybe like a “blue” joke? Was anyone using that term post-sexual revolution? Maybe like…a homonym for “blew”? Maybe that blurb was written by a fellow pre-pubescent who had no clue how sex actually worked??
I’ve heard talk that Grabbed by the Ghoulies is some gross euphemism but I’m American so I don’t get it and I don’t want to get it. Please don’t tell me that “ghoulies” are, like, my nuts, cuz if I ever get into a relationship again I’d probably totally ruin it by excessively using that term whenever we have a conjugal visit.
(I will be in prison before the year is out unless someone starts a fundraising drive to pay me at last 2 cents a word for every post I make.)
476. PHANTOM DUST
I think I paid $20 for this when it came out. It’s one of the few good CCG-inspired games. I ain’t gonna every touch the remake but hey, you should probably give it a shot. It’s free, right?
I think I paid full price for Psychonauts at launch. I know I went digging for change in my couch so I could buy it. I know I traded in some games that were really good. But Psychonauts was fuckin’ garbage, and it is not on this list. It is another game that would be way better if it didn’t have any game to it. That milkman stage was the biggest fucking bore and I think someone should take all the jokes, shove them into a visual novel, and see if they can get away with selling it for $2 on Steam. I bet it would be so much better than anything in Psychonauts.
Also Phantom Dust wasn’t supposed to be on this list. It was supposed to be Phantom Crash, the most 
of all times. Though I guess Phantom Dust is the better game. I suppose it belongs.
brb updating the thread title for more
475. HEBEREKE
I knew this Finnish dude who was going through a real dark period for awhile there. Started self-destructing. Started spending thousands of Euros on hockey cards and old toy sets and rare PAL NES games. Bought a complete copy of Hebereke or whatever they called it in Europe. Ufouria? I think that shit cost a fortune. Don’t think he ever played it. I’m not sure he even emulated it before buying. Think he was trying to recapture a childhood that wasn’t actually his.
Not long before he disappeared from my life he said:
And that was pretty much the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
Dude was missing for years but he got back in touch with me not too long ago. He’s doing much better now. He’s in a relationship, making music, and oh yeah I just remembered he didn’t buy Hebereke. It was Mr. Gimmick. But same thing, right?
474. YAKUZA 0
I was making a real effort to be politically active earlier in the year. Felt like I had to do something, y’know? And it felt good. Made me feel less helpless. Was good meeting up with all those socialists and going to protests and getting real angry and shit.
Then I got real lazy and also kinda traumatized so now instead of taking action I’m up at 1:30AM making lists.
I went to one of the Women’s Marches. Took my mom with me. Really guilted her into doing it. Partially cuz I thought it would be good for her cuz she was feeling really low post-election, partially cuz I thought I might get pelted with rotten eggs if I showed up by my lonesome, but mostly cuz I really wanted to get a copy of Yakuza 0 before street date. If I’d gone alone I probably woulda just bought it and come straight home.
I’m sure the feds have thousands of gigs of photos and video taken by a drone showing me marching with that game in my hand, surrounded by angry old ladies in pussy hats. Bet I looked pretty good in most of those shots. Bet those cops woulda really tried to start some shit if I hadn’t been there, looking so tough.
Not saying I’m a hero or anything but I’m pretty sure I’m a hero.
At one point I posted a Yakuza 0 screenshot on my old secret personal twitter account and it went viral in a tiny way. Thousands of retweets and likes and replies! My phone was blowing up! It felt good for like 10 minutes. Then it got real annoying. Then I became just like the dude in that screenshot up there. In the end I got 2 whole new followers out of it.
Social media fuckin’ blows. Yakuza 0 is GOTY 2017.
473. PROGRESS QUEST
I will pay someone $100 to reskin Progress Quest to look like Select Button. Just make it so I get a few blood potions every hour. Then I’ll never have to log on ever again and we’ll all be very happy, right?
472. ECCO 2: THE TIDES OF TIME
Ecco is really creepy. When we were kids I tricked my sister into buying my copy of Ecco. Told her “Sure, you can use my Genesis whenever you want. Just give me all that money you got for your birthday.”
I let her play it, like, once. So I wasn’t a total liar. But I was still pretty bad. I bet I taught her an important lesson though: don’t trust anybody. Probably spared her some nightmares too. Ecco is really creepy.
471. SOUL CALIBUR 3
I won a launch Xbox 360 in a Taco Bell contest. I cheated at that Taco Bell contest. The way it worked was they had a drawing every 10 minutes for the chance to win a 360, right? And you could get one free entry per email address. So I went and made a catchall email address on one of my domains, got hundreds of free entries, and dropped them all on one spot at 5:10 AM on a weekday. I could have used a script to automate the process but I am not good with computers so I did it all manually. I thought that made my cheating a bit more honest. It also gave me a repetitive stress injury.
So yeah, I won that Xbox. Arrived early. Came with a copy of Kameo, I think. That game is not on this list. Played with it for a little bit. Then launch day came along and there was this inexplicable demand combined with hardware shortages. So I was able to sell my launch 360 + a copy of Kameo to some dude on craigslist for $1100 or so.
Next time you’re feeling low please remember: at least you’re not the guy who paid $1100 for a 360 that surely red-ringed within 3 months. Imagine being that rich and that dumb.
I took some of that money and bought a cheap HDTV. Immediately regretted my purchase. I was in a small room with no place to comfortably put a 32" TV. I also had no component cables. I also should have spent that money on food or paying medical bills. The only game I ever played on it was Soul Calibur 3. It kinda looked like the screenshot above, but worse, and with tons of input lag. I hated it. Then I hated it even more when my fat ass knocked the TV off the dresser I had it precariously perched on, cracking the screen mere hours after it arrived.
I called the manufacturer and lied and said “Oh yeah you sent me this TV and it got here all broken!” And they replaced it for free. Then I sold the replacement.
You wanna know what I did with that money? Well, gentle reader, I’ll tell you this: I went and committed even more fraud.
But that’s a story for another day! I’m going to go to bed! I’ll post more about games and how much they cost later, as long as none of you rat me out for being such a crook in my youth. I swear I’m much sweeter and do way less fraud now that I’m 49 years old.
Oh yeah and @Rudie go ahead and do those 20 games cuz if I keep this up I’m gonna run out of dumb shit to talk about by, like, Thursday.
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this is the best post on the whole of select button
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I think Bachelor might be beating Tim at Timprose. I kind of want this in KOP because it’s gold, but also maybe Bachelor doesn’t want all these sweet crimes he committed being out in the open where Google can see them.
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Bachelor has a distinct voice. It is Bachelorprose and is free and clear of all Tim’s many crimes!
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108? all I know is 69 
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470. POKéMON GOLD
I gave up on Pokémon with X/Y. It was too slow. These games have always been too slow, but I endured all those barely-animated-battles cuz I loved naming my pals and talking to people about monsters and shorts and berries and such. I loved making babies. I loved the radio. I loved the beauty contests. I loved Pokémon.
But I’m a healthier person now than I was. I ain’t got time to fight. Like, I appreciate that GameFreak seemingly allocates 80% of its resources to the dumbest, most superfluous shit – going to the mall to make a PokéGlamourShots music video is the only treasured memory I have of X/Y – but damn, guys. Speed this shit up. Make your game run at a decent framerate. Maybe ship a 3DS game that actually supports 3D, even. (I assume the subsequent games supported 3D but jeez.)
Reasons why Gold is better than Silver and all other Pokemon games:
• It has the best starters. Squirtle and Bulbasaur were very good but Charmander sucks and drags the whole game down. He’s just a dinsoaur. Who gives a shit. My starter was Chikorita. I like Grass Types! But only in Pokémon! In real life I hate all forms of “weed”
• Gold also has Miltank, a top 10 Pokémon.
• It has the radio and the clock and breeding.
• It was the version I owned.
Every relationship I’ve been in has been very bad, and I have been a very bad partner, but I’ve had my moments of great kindness. Such as when my girlfriend asked me to purchase Pokémon Gold for myself, as she liked the color silver more, and if we had different versions we could possibly “catch them all.”
I want you to ask yourself this, gentle reader, and I want you to be honest: Would you deny yourself your preferred Pokemon color to make someone else happy? Probably not, right? But I did. So please keep that in mind should any of my exes make an account on here and start chewing me out for all the shit-talking I’ve been doing in this thread. I may have my faults, but I have made some hard sacrifices, and despite what any of them might say I do not owe them money.
My girlfriend was deeply into Pokémon Silver. She was playing that shit way after I stopped. I recall at one point I mentioned how the game had a Baby Hoothoot, sorta like how Pikachu had Pichu, and it was maybe the cutest of all Pokés. This excited my girlfriend greatly, and she spent days breeding Hoothoots, but all she got were plain ol’ Hoothoots. I kept telling her “Maybe I’m wrong and there is no baby Hoothoot” and “Are you sure spending all this time on breeding owls is healthy?” and “Why aren’t you looking this up online? It’s the 21st century and the Internet exists.” But for some reason I can’t recall she didn’t log on to gamefaqs. Instead she had me and my sister accompany her on a trip to a 24 hour supermarket in search of a Pokémon Strategy Guide.
There was no Baby Hoothoot in the Pokédex. Oops.
My girlfriend was so furious she punched my little sister. Hard. My sister was an innocent bystander but someone had to get punched, I guess. It was only in the arm, but who likes getting punched? I don’t. Really glad it wasn’t me.
I haven’t been in a serious relationship since I broke up with that gal. That is probably for the best.
469. BLADE II
I’ve never seen any of these movies but Select Button seems to love them so here I am, pandering. This game was on Xbox and it looks like Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines, but more violent and with Wesley Snipes, or, as I’d describe it, “VtM:Bloodlines (But Good)”.
The first R-rated film I ever saw by my lonesome was “Rising Sun” and I bet in retrospect it was super bad and racist but it had Wesley Snipes, pubics, and some sickie sex shit so like, probably a real formative film for me. Is there any breathplay in Blade? Not that I know what that is but if the answer is “yes” then maybe I’ll watch it someday.
468. GARFIELD: CAUGHT IN THE ACT

I loathe Garfield. I love you all, but every single time someone references Garfield I want to log off and never come back. Please, let’s stop regurgitating Garfield. Let it die. Please go read Bushmiller’s Nancy. That is a good comic strip. Also boy did Jim Davis rip off B. Kliban. Kliban’s fat cats were way cuter than early Garfield. That shit was ugly.
Anyway I spent most of my childhood thinking one dude was my dad. Then I learned no, another dude was my biological father. So I met that guy. It was in a mall in New Jersey. We went to a Waldenbooks, and he said he’d buy me whatever I wanted. So I picked out two Garfield books: Garfield Volume 3: Bigger Than Life and The Third Garfield Treasury. I was partial to the number three, as I was the third child in my family and my name was only three letters long. This was before I had my name legally changed to “Sexgod”; prior to that it was simply “Sex”, and yes, school was as rough as you’d expect.
After the mall we drove to my uncle’s house in upstate New York. I would later live in that home for over a decade. But at the time I think it was the place where my uncle would occassionally visit and throw gay country orgies. He wasn’t there at the time, so the place was pretty empty, and by empty I mean there was no TV, so while my new father took a nap I read my Garfield comics, and I enjoyed them well enough, even though I was also smart enough to recognize “This is the same stuff over and over again, and also kinda bad.” But they were comics, and I loved comics.
At the end of Volume 3: Bigger Than Life there was a page with instructions on How To Draw Garfield. I was known in school and around the family home as the worst artist to ever live. Prior to meeting this new father I’d been enrolled in After School Religion classes at the local Catholic school cuz I guess this dad had been in touch with my mother and was real hot for his godless kids to get some Catholicism in their lives, and for some reason my mother acquiesced? Anyway, one time we were given an assignment to draw ways in which we could help our families and I drew, like, Jesus doing laundry. It looked like a bunch of soggy cardboard boxes collapsing in on each other, but with a beard. My family still mocks it to this day. They’re fuckin’ jerks, man.
So I’m in this secluded country home and there’s no TV and no more comics so I had to kill some time. I found a pencil and some highlighters, but there was no paper around, so I drew on the inside cover of that Garfield Treasury. I followed those How to Draw Garfield instructions. And what do you know: I did a really great job, and I felt a sense of accomplishment for the first time in my life, and ran around showing everyone. At first they didn’t believe I actually drew it. So fuck them, I drew another one, and it was even better. My little sister – the same one who was assaulted over a Pokémon many years later – was really pissed off, because being a good artist was her thing, and here I was, homing in on her turf. I think she still hasn’t forgiven me for learning how to draw.
Soon after we left. Went back home. I saw my new dad a few times after that. Then he died. I don’t think he ever bought me another Garfield book, but I guess the two he did get me changed my life, huh?
My grandmother took over for him anyway, buying me every single comic strip collection she could find. I owned so many Garfields. I tired of him very quickly, cuz once you’re exposed to like, good comics you realize just how bad Garfield is. All the Garfield subtitles were doing fat shaming. Wonder if I could sue Jim Davis for giving me body issues, cuz boy do I got some.
I kept the first 2 books my new dad bought me, but I think the one with the drawing got lost when I was evicted. I’m still mourning that.
I think I will stop talking about Garfield now, and hopefully forever.
467. BEATMANIA

I remember buying a cheap import PSX Beatmania controller. It felt like shit. I saw people online say “if you open it up and put cardboard under the buttons it helps.” It didn’t. I think I still have that controller. And a giant custom made Pop’n Music controller. It’s pink. I played with it maybe twice after I got it, cuz it is giant and I had nowhere to put it. Also since it was custom made it took so long to arrive that in the interim I’d finally accepted that music games might be the dumbest of all games. Why am I spending time hitting buttons when I can go learn a real instrument, write a song about getting rude, and make someone fall in love with me? Cuz believe it or not that shit works and you don’t even have to be good at it.
(I’m really good at it though.)
I bet back in the day some kid in JNCOs might try and cut you for uttering such a thing at the arcade. But now? Now everyone’s accepted the truth. Games are super dumb and we should all be taking piano lessons instead.
Pop’n Music should be on here instead of IIDX but even though I made this list I also kinda didn’t make this list. You all did. Sorry for dissing your favs, everyone.
I first heard the Cutey Honey theme playing Pop’n! So maybe I was wrong. Games may have some value after all.
466. STEPHEN’S SAUSAGE ROLL

I bought this for myself as a Christmas gift last year. It really stressed me out and when I finally solved puzzles I didn’t feel any sense of relief. It just gave me more puzzles involving meat! Maybe there is some twist at some point but there ain’t nothing in the game indicating that so I figured I’d seen all I needed to see and stopped playing it. Hope you enjoyed the $20, Roll Makers.
I don’t think everyone should go all RareWare all the time but I bet they woulda sold 300 more copies if they put some eyes on the player character. Just in the screenshots, maybe. Just to clarify what the fuck I’m playing as, or if there is a player character.
Kickle Cubicle is on this list and at a way higher spot because it’s way cuter.
465. METROID II
I remember when Link’s Awakening came out I was hesitant to buy it. “What if it’s another Metroid II?” I thought.
But I bought it, and it wasn’t another Metroid II: it was good.
When I first started hanging around here I saw all this Metroid II love so I gave it another shot and yeah, I don’t give a shit about killing Metroids. It’s a better game when you can actually see shit, yeah, but beyond that…who cares. I’ll never play the remakes but I’m going to say they’re better because maybe that’ll make some people angry, stir up some debate that spills outside the Axe, raises my profile, and lands me a book deal.
If anyone gets banned for saying mean things about me in this thread I’ll make sure to thank you in the Acknowledgements.
464. THE MAFAT CONSPIRACY

When I land my bookdeal – and it’s gonna be a sweet one, way better than the one Lena Dunham got – and they ask me “So what do you want to put on your About the Author page?” I’m just gonna slide a printout of this across the table.
“Like this, but with a photo of me. We’ll change some of the text, but that one box, that one stays no matter what. You try and edit that and I’m gone.”
And I’ll be tapping this one box – read that page and you’ll know which one – and everyone at Funk & Wagnalls or Barnes & Nobles or B. Dalton’s or whoever’s publishing my book…they’ll just nod and smile and let me do whatever the fuck I want, cuz I’m the voice of a generation, and I know all about gamesoft.
Mafat Conspiracy is much better than Top Secret Episode, the previous NES Golgo 13 game, but Top Secret Episode had characters named Ladies White and Fake Enormous so maybe it belongs on this list instead? Hm.
463. YUME PENGUIN MONOGATARI

So this is a Famicom platformer by Konami which means it’s definitely good, but it’s also about penguins so it’s beyond great. And not just any penguins: you play as a penguin who gets too fat, so his girlfriend leaves him for a gangster. You have to lose weight running and jumping and flying a fighter jet while not eating too many foods, otherwise you will get fat again. A masterpiece.
I discovered this game when I first got into emulation and I loved it so much I decided I was going to make a translation patch. I got some books on how to learn Japanese and started reading up on how to “code.” I made a real effort! But then I gave up cuz it was a lotta fucking work. I will forever be the fat, lazy Penguin Dreamer. Unless I get that sweet book deal I will never again know love or affection but hey at least Japan made a lot of cute games inspired by those TV ads about penguins who liked beer so what’s it matter if I never get touched by another human being again before I die – there’s a Penguin Wars sequel coming out soon!
462. 868-HACK

OK now I’m starting to understand how that guy who wrote the Polygon list felt. I’m not even 50 games in and I’m already fading. I wonder how far in that guy got before he started writing entries all about how he’s not getting blowed enough.
Let’s see what Wikipedia has to say about 868-HACK!!
I do believe addictive games are bad games. I would go in depth about this but I went and did an image search for “Angelina Jolie Hackers” and now a Penguin Wars sequel is no longer an acceptable subsitute for anything.
461. WORLD OF GOO
…
OK, that’s it. I’m out!!
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Implying that chikorita isn’t a dinosaur is a power move.
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I’m glad to hear somebody confirm this so I never have to buy this game! It looks really stressful to me too.
wasn’t that penguin game Kojima’s first project? i’d look it up, but in the spirit of the thread, i won’t.
460. COSMOLOGY OF KYOTO
The other night I felt so depressed and worthless I spent like 5 minutes giving this beggar money just to hear him say nice things about me. Sometimes an audio clip of the beggars’ moaning would play, and that was very unpleasant because you can’t skip it. That is usually a dealbreaker for me, but I will forgive Cosmology of Kyoto, because it is excellent and also a CD-ROM from 1994. Maybe you can’t skip audio clips because this was relatively new technology. Or maybe it’s because this game cost $98 and why would you ever skip an AIFF when you paid such big bucks for it?
I knew this real hotshot dude who was always going on about how “Station to Station” is a masterpiece, which disgusted me. I hated that album. Made me question everything that dude liked. Even if he was saying nice shit about me I’d be rolling me eyes internally! Who wants to be praised by someone with no taste? But then after Bowie kicked it I gave it another listen and realized maybe the copy I downloaded from usenet years and years ago was, like, a rip of “Tonight”? Because “Station to Station” is top tier, yeah. I recommend listening to it if you ever have to shovel a ton of snow. That’s not a cocaine joke. I just spent a lot of time over the last 2 winters shoveling snow and I would put this album on every time. Maybe the only times I let myself feel emotions or listen to music for awhile there.
Anyway, playing Cosmology of Kyoto the other night was a similar experience. I remembered putting a bunch of time into it, thinking it was rough, kinda interesting, but maybe too much fucking work. But no, I must have quit on it after like 3 minutes, cuz it’s simple and brilliant. You’ve probably already played it but if you haven’t get on it. I have no clue what you’re supposed to do or what anyone’s talking about cuz I refuse to study or think more than is needed but when it comes to games where you click on stuff this is at the top. For awhile there it made me forget I was depressed and worthless, even when I wasn’t giving money to panhandlers. It is also really spooky so please don’t blame me if you get scared!
Also please don’t judge my dusty monitor. That photo prompted me to finally clean up this place, so lots of positive things came out of playing Cosmology of Kyoto. I mean, I’m still super sad and cleaning up freed up so much space that it just highlighted how lonesome I am but that’ll change soon enough cuz I’m going to sell my game for $196 and make at least enough money to frame for all this awesome art Select Butts gave me at the Meetup.
I will never be truly lonesome once I have your art on these walls.
459. AQUANAUT’S HOLIDAY
Artdink is my favorite developer whose games I never bother playing. Partially cuz of the name, partially cuz their games have themes that are so good you don’t really need to play them. Train sims. Aquatic exploration sims. Caveman sim. Mech A.I. programming sims. Unstoppable sentient domino sim. All those ancient untranslated Japanese baseball sims they have on Steam. I am glad all these games exist. I’m also still too much of a neanderthal die-hard rock 'n roller to ever put serious time into something as nerdy as all their shit. Maybe someday I’ll settle down, get married, find a real job, have some children, and hate my life so much that I need to play A-Train to relax but I’m good for now, thanks.
As further proof I am now Officially Taking This List Seriously I not only played Aquanaut’s Holiday prior to writing this but I read its manual from cover to cover. To be honest I spent more time with the manual because it is very charming and good. For example: it says you gotta go under the sea because “the pressures of worldwide renown have become too much” and buddy, fuckin’ tell me about it. Also:
“No ‘need to’s’ or ‘must have’s’. No interference. No deadlines. Just you and the deep blue.”
“Tranquility floods you as you begin exploring the mysterious 3D liquid world.”
“Don’t be shy. This is your holiday.”
After reading all that I was real keen to go deep, deep down and never come back up. But then I found a dolphin. Hit a few Shift buttons. Conversed for a bit. The dolphin just went “squee squee” over and over again because it did not speak English, only Fish, but dolphins are super rude and horny so it was probably sexually harassing me. The dolphin did not lead me to treasure or unlock a page in a bestiary or present me with any intense moral dilemmas. Just swam in a circle and went squee endlessly.
So I turned the game off, went back to bed, and slept another 10 hours.
Maybe now’s the time to face facts: I’m a poseur and I’d probably be way happier if I just played MOBAs.
458. DOTA 2
Never mind, no. I’d be that guy, up there. I’d be truly miserable. Again.
My Steam profile is set to private. It’s almost always been that way. I don’t want people knowing how long I’ve spent on a game. I don’t wanna know either. Game clocks are one of the worst things to happen to games. Shit sure got bloated once they became commonplace, right?
Final Fantasy IV was the first game I played that kept track of my playtime and I remember when it hit 24 hours I was overwhelmed with shame. “A whole day of my life…gone. What if anyone found out I wasted so much time on something so frivolous? They’d think I’m such a nerd…or worse!”
I didn’t get over that feeling for a long time. But I kept playing games.
Nowadays everyone loves games and shows and movies and books that gobble up all their free time and it’s unlikely anyone would shame me for my Dota time but they should. I could have done so many marvelous things with those thousands of hours. Instead I sat online, getting drunk, in the dark, shouting at Russians and Pervuians and Americans kids who all no doubt grew up and voted Republican. I shouted so much.
Most of the time no one could hear me. I had many, many commendations for being kind and sweet and trying to broker peace amongst warring teammates. I never met anyone with half as many commends as I had, I am not boasting. I was just a tiny bit more civil than most Dota players, because I lost my cool many, many times a day, but I rarely did it on mic. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and think about how I’d trade another 4,000 hours of my life if it meant I could take back all the times someone heard me call them a “needle-dicked mush-mouthed cry-baby” or some other nasty, unimaginative shit. Bad enough when you hurt someone’s feelings by accident, but to be so malicious…ugh! But I wouldn’t regret not all the times such words went unheard. Have you played any of these games? You need to vent or you will likely have a stroke and die.
I remember Tulpa once said Dota wasn’t a game and I heartily disagree. I think Dota is the most videogame of all video games. It is stupidly complex and requires dozens of hours of study and play before you will be remotely competent, if you ever get there. You shouldn’t get there. It’s not worth it. Just do drugs instead. I wish I’d gotten into drugs instead of Dota. Like, I had a choice, and I went with Dota. I forced myself to learn and like this game, because my life was a wreck and it seemed like a thing to do. But imagine how many great stories I’d have if I’d become a barfly. All the broken hearts and barroom brawls and boozed-up bonding and one-night stands. And V.D. I woulda gotten so much V.D. But hey, I can tell you about the time a Rubick flung my Drow Ranger up on a cliff at the start of a match and I somehow got a triple kill while I was stuck up there. Amazing shit, right? My book deal gonna be Clinton-big once publishers learn I got dozens of stories like that.
I never really kicked the habit. I have a tournament stream running in the background as I write this. It’s a rerun of one I already watched earlier today. I have spent the last few days in bed, in pain, wanting to cry, listening to a Dota 2 tournament. Maybe there’s a correlation there, but probably not. This game attracts the worst people and you should not play it.
I…I kinda want to start playing it again, though. Kinda want to blow my life up with the world’s #1 worst gamesoft.
Please don’t let me. Please.
457. YUME NIKKI

I spent 2 years of my life playing Defense of the Ancients but I have never played Yume Nikki. It always ran in this real tiny window and the graphics were all fucked up and unplayable. I had this problem on more than one computer…I think. Maybe this is another Station to Station deal.
Someone please tell me how to fix Yume Nikki.
456. SKYKID

I just learned that Skykid is actually furry. Or…I dunno, is it furry if it only has birds? Also: it was developed by Namco, not Sunsoft. Which would explain why its music was in Taiko no Tatsujin, huh.
I think you could do a loop-de-loop in Skykid. I liked that.
That’s all I have to say about Skykid.
455. CLOCK TOWER
This game is inspired by all the most boring parts of Dario Argento’s “Phenomena”. Like, I don’t think there’s a single monkey in this. Or Donald Pleasence. But it’s still real swell and kinda spooky and you should listen to the episode of Super Nintendo Exploration Squad: A Select Button Podcast where we discussed it. I haven’t listened to it, cuz even though I love the sound of my own voice I don’t love the sound of my own voice, but it’s probably 70% talk about Jennifer Connelly’s eyebrows which means it’s probably really good. Not as good as the impromptu 3DO erotica podcast shrug, Tulpa and I did afterwards, but still: probably really good.
454. LEAGUE BOWLING
I may be 49 years old but I’m an Honorary Official Millennial cuz I got a participation trophy in my pee-wee bowling league.
I knew I didn’t deserve that trophy. I used to stare at it at bedtime every night. I think my score was like, a 39? That’s really bad right? It wasn’t a 300, that’s for sure. You may have noticed that nowadays I’m willing to get a little sloppy but as a kid? Everything needed to be perfect. 300 or bust.
That trophy made me feel like shit.
453. PENGUIN WARS

The first game Kojima worked on was Penguin Adventure, which was kinda like Crash Bandicoot starring a penguin on an MSX. I haven’t played it but it’s an MSX action game so I assume it sucks. It was a sequel to Antarctic Adventure for the Famicom, which I have played. You don’t have to play it. You should track down the box art though; it’s got a fat hungover penguin who’s causing all sorts of harm because he is, presumably, late for work.
Penguin Wars was a game about throwing balls at animals. That might sound crude but above you will see art for an upcoming sequel, and it looks like they’re embracing crude cuz that penguin got a fuckin’ dick.
452. ACTRAISER
Yuzo Koshiro had a ton of albums up on iTunes years ago. I assume I’m one of a handful of people who bought them because not only were they game soundtracks for sale on iTunes but he misspelled his own name. He was composing on a PC-88 forever so some of the Super Famicom albums were the original FM synth versions and I highly recommend those. Fuck, I recommend all the Actraiser albums. That game has the best tunes.
I beat the Japanese version of Actraiser as a kid. I got stuck a few times so I called the import mail order store my grandmother bought it from and asked for help.
OK I’ll be honest: my grandmother called for me. She played middle man. I had anxieties, okay! But together…we all beat Actraiser.
451. SUPER POLE RIDERS

Who put all my exes on their top 5 list?
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I have lived by this statement since birth
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truth
also don’t play DOTA, play SNES games
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liitle known fact: yume nikki is actually the japsanesse ada[tation of the adam sabdler fillm “littl nikki” which was adapted into a gaem boy colour game by digital ecluipse, which is teh same company taht frank capaldi, onwer of lostlevels.org, wroked at for thos meg aman collectoins but i don’t think hhe did anythign for this gam eso yeah
Listen to those awful guitar sounds!
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450. ODDWORLD: MUNCH’S ODDYSEE

We bust on Bioshock a lot around here – so much that I bumped it from this list – but I dunno if Levine’s done anything as tasteless as this screenshot. Heck, maybe this tops David Cage’s entire body of work? Munch’s Oddyssee presumably had a huge budget. It was an Xbox exclusive launch title and it was pushed hard. Yet it shipped with…Scrubs? Who are dressed like they’re in a death camp? Cuz maybe they are? And they’re collectibles! If you beat the game without saving enough Scrubs you get a Bad End, which, uh:
Who were these games for, how do they get funding, and why do they keep happening? They remade the first one recently and its budget was $5,000,000. Imagine what we could do with that much money! Like, you could probably make hundreds of fabulous games! Me, I’d make one, and it’d be an incredibly clumsy allegory about the bomb and the holocaust and the sexual revolution and the war on terror and the great recession all at once but I bet it would be less depressing and embarrassing than all these fucking Oddworld games.
(Yes, that’s what DDD: THE NATURAL PLAYBOYS is about. Please don’t tell anyone just yet. Save it for post-launch. I bet if you do a bunch of adderall and write an epic Eric Garland-style tweetstorm about it you’ll get at least 300 retweets and maybe I’ll get a MacArthur genius grant.)
The Oddworld Inhabitants Wikipedia entry is over 27,000 words long. I was going to mock that but at the rate we’re going this list will be over 100,000 words. I may need to update the first post with these disclaimers from that Oddworld Inhabitants entry:
And that’s why I need a book deal already. Imagine all the footnotes I could cram into a book!
449. JADE COCOON: STORY OF TAMAMAYU
https://twitter.com/topherflorence/status/930851488863318026
So last night I got incredibly drunk and did an After Dark Gamer Stream. Did some Artdink up in there. Played the Little Mermaid for some reason. Gave King’s Field III a shot but was too intoxicated to remap my buttons so I couldn’t look up or down without fast forwarding or taking screenshots. So in the end we settled on Jade Cocoon. Played it for about an hour. It was 90% boring talking, and I’m talking about the game here – I was surely super funny and charming and not slurring my words. Think there were two battles. At least one BUT THOU MUST which may have involved the protagonist getting teen married. At one point I declared “This is better than Panzer Dragoon Saga” and suggested someone tweet that hot take and become mega-famous but I don’t think anyone’s done it yet so: still up for grabs. It’s not true but it might kick up some controversy amongst the 20 people who still remember both games. I bet @Genki_official would retweet it.
I bet the Jade Cocoon logo inspired more than one mall sushi shop sign.
My gamer stream ended with me trying to play Super Mario World and dying to the first Goomba.
My day began with me logging onto Twitch and deleting the archive of that gamer stream.
Please never let me have that much fun again.
448. GAIARES

Every other month in EGM there was a new best shooter ever and for awhile there it was Gaiares. I never owned it but I know this: it wasn’t as good as M.U.S.H.A.
I had so many game mags and so many of them had this ad. I cut this Professional Gamer’s face out of every single one and used it in so many different zines and letters and shit. It was my…whatever that Tezuka patchwork pig thing is called. And for that Gaiares is on the 501 Games of All Times.
Welcome to the list, Jamie Bunker. Welcome…to history.
447. TABOO: THE SIXTH SENSE
I got this for my birthday one year. This and Othello. Getting two NES games may sound really sweet, but they were Taboo: The Sixth Sense and Othello. The next day I went in for hernia surgery. When I woke up from surgery I thought “they…cut open…my 
…!” They didn’t but it sure felt like they had.
I used to impress my friends by showing off the surgery scars. I haven’t been nearly as open with my body since, thank God. I never showed my friends my copy of Taboo though. That remained my shitty secret.
446. NO ONE LIVES FOREVER 2
I waited years to play this game and it took me years more to fuckin’ play through it cuz holy shit this game gotta have the longest cutscenes in history. Like you can probably watch at least one Austin Powers movie during each pre-mission cinematic, and unlike this game you might actually chuckle once or twice cuz Austin Powers actually has jokes. They’re all shitty recycled jokes from Wayne’s World, but hey, they’re jokes.
Maybe Monolith saved the gags for the game proper? Check it out! It’s a twister heading for a trailer park! That was still considered clever in 2002, right.
Sorry for shitting on this game you probably liked. You’re now allowed to make 1 (one) rude post about Goldeneye (the better spy game) and I promise I won’t get mad. But only one. More than that and I’m gonna quit the forum.
445. SEXY HIKING

I bought that Humble Monthly Bundle for Getting Over It With Bennett Foddy. Then I forgot to cancel my sub so I ended up paying like $36 for an $8 game.
I’ve since played the game twice, both times quitting after the first bit of narration. I feel like my life is totally out of control and I can’t cope with this game!! Maybe that’s the point, but for now no thanks! I’ll come back to it later. Hopefully before it’s 50 cents on Steam cuz I already feel dumb enough over how much I spent on this. I’m bad with money and that’s why it’s very important I get lots of it. That would also help me do life experiences so I have things to write about that aren’t “I spent this much money on a game once.”
444. THE ADVENTURE OF LITTLE RALPH
Little Ralph is the secret best PlayStation game. I mean, maybe it’s not a secret on here. We know everything. But next time you’re hanging with someone who’s bragging about how rad and hip and obscure Klonoa is – which happens all the time, right? – really blow their fuckin’ mind by tossing a Little Ralph CD-R into their lap and saying something cool like “More like Blow-noa: Bore to Phantomile” before peeling out in your Camaro or Initial-D or whatever it is cool kids drive nowadays.
I’ve played this game a bunch but I guess I wasn’t that good at it, cuz up until tonight I thought it was a pure action platformer. Turns out it also has boss fights featuring Big Ralph: The World Warrior chucking hadokens like a real deal fightingman. It also has a secret vs. fighting mode where you can bop your friends. This means next time I go to a fighting game tournament I am running this shit in the BYOC area. This means Competitive Little Ralph is going to become the next Melty Blood. Look for it at a Popeye’s parking lot near you in 2018.
443. SUPER MARIO LAND 2
Mario Land 1 is really cool. It has the best music and the rubber ball powerup is a lot of fun and I love going to Egypt and China and flying a plane. Mario Land 2 is too slow and Mario is too big. It also ripped off Bonk’s Adventure, which had a much better “run around inside some big monster’s guts” level. Is there a single uvula in Mario Land 2? Definitely doesn’t have as many as that dinosaur in Bonk. That thing’s got like 30 of 'em.
So I am not a fan of Mario Land 2.
I would be a fan of Mario Land 2 if it were some obscure PC Engine platformer starring, like, a balding salaryman or a hippo. That game would probably be top 10.
I’m sorry to say the rumors ares true: I am biased.
442. KATO-CHAN & KEN-CHAN
I don’t speak Japanese but I’ve watched enough Japanese TV to know that their comedy is the fucking worst. Whole buncha nerds doing stupid voices and screaming so much they make Judy Tenuta’s act seem restrained. If you ever go to Japan don’t watch TV. It will break your heart, even if you thought you were over that Glorious Nippon shit. It’s that bad.
I feel bad referencing Judy Tenuta like that. She playes the accordion! Her and Emo Phillips dated for a long time, I think! She’s probably good though I don’t remember any of her jokes. I bet she is funnier than anyone who’s ever done a bit on a Japanese variety show.
So this game is like Adventure Island, where you have to run fast and eat food to maintain your vitality, but there’s way more pooping and peeing and farting in this. So it’s better than Wonder Boy, but not better than Adventure Island, because neither Kato or Ken (or J.J. or Jeff, as they were called in the U.S. version) are fat.
I think you can enter all those public bathrooms. Sometimes you see a skit. Sometimes they’re a warp zone. I’d like to think in the uncensored Japanese version there are at least 3 skits about cruising. Do people still cruise in this post-Grindr world? I used to look up the local cruising hotspots on cruisingforsex dot com and I was astounded by all the local places I could go if I wanted to have anonymous gay sex. I bet a lotta those entries were written by cops, or real sad guys writing out their #1 fantasy: pulling off a dude in a Home Depot bathroom. But some of them had to be legit, right?
J.J. & Jeff were cops, Kato & Ken are Japanese comedians. I’m not sure which is worse.
441. FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY’S
Years ago on the Best Show on WFMU they were doing the Frankie Teardrop Challenge, where listeners would go outside, in the dark, and listen to Suicide’s “Frankie Teardrop” on headphones and see how long they would last before tearing off the headphones and running off in terror. This sounds silly and fun but do not do this. I tried it! It was horrible! I’m real sorry if you actually hit play on that youtube clip above. I figure no one actually listens to them. I mean, I listen to and read fucking everything that gets linked. But I know most people aren’t as dedicated as me. If you also can’t help but consume fucking everything that gets recommended to you, well, sorry. Hope you had the lights on and you were in a safe place. And if that song doesn’t creep you out please let me know because I don’t think I ever want to be alone with you. 
So when this came out the reactions on Twitter had me thinking it was the gamesoft equivalent of the Frankie Teardrop Challenge. I bought it right away, but didn’t play it for ages cuz I was too chicken. What if I screamed? And people heard me? That would be so embarrassing!
But eventually I worked up the nerve. Loaded it up, put on some headphones, turned off the lights. Was totally on edge. Waiting to get real spooked! But it never happened. Got myself all psyched out over nothing! I feel bad for anyone who wet ‘em playing this. They all must have been rich or something. Maybe cartoon robots are scary if you don’t have to worry about bills or losing your home or getting sick or your friends being sad. Maybe they’re scary if you ain’t a fuckin’ adult like me. That’s right, I’m boasting here. Calling out the upper class and grades k-12. Being an adult is so much better than being a kid. Being a kid fuckin’ sucked. Alan Vega was almost 40 when that first Suicide album came out! Getting older rules.
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Goldeneye?
More like Golden “Why??”
…
…
Sorry everyone
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I dunno, Redneck Rampage already did it in '97.
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Oh thank god someone else thinks No One Lives Forever fucking sucks. Because lord does it.