prediction: next game is donkey kong 99
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347. D.D. CREW
D.D. Crew is a beat 'em up, which means it’s a bad game. Yet its soundtrack is a masterpiece, as long as you’re listening to the version ripped from my friend’s busted PCB. I spent years thinking this is how the actual game sounded. That Sega went really big and weird with this OST. But then a year or two ago I saw LordBBH stream it and it turns out this sounds like every other belt scroll released in the early 90’s. That’s not a bad thing, sounding like one of those games, but you can also listen to a lot of actual new jack swing that’s way better. Sorry, Yuzo Koshiro. You haven’t composed anything as good as “Iesha”.
If you doubt me please, click play, and get an earful of this funky shit, and maybe turn down the volume a bit cuz it might hurt your ears…with how funky it is.
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Just giving this one the 'ol bump.
IMO we should pin this thread so it’s still around when I write my next entry to this illustrious list.
Then when it’s done we publish a book
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Just making sure this thread stays around while i’m Half asleep and noticing the counter at seven days.
346. THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: BREATH OF THE WILD
Took 400 people and $300,000,000 to make this shit and you can’t even pet the fucking dog.
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worse I’ve had the same “if we support it in this case we have to support it systemically conversation”. About petting dogs
Worse still I’m the one, I’m hoarding exceptions to systemic consistency like a dragon on penny. Nice things are nice and all folks but,
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yea i know that feeling
i should read dragon ball. i know a lot of goku fans
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HOLD ON. I’M GOING TO “DO WEED” AND WRITE A POST. LET’S SEE HOW WEIRD AND WILD IT GETS…!
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I hope what you meant was “do weeding” and the next post will be a video of you in the garden reviewing Buck Bumble or some such thing
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345. BURGER TIME
It’s Friday night! I downed half a bottle of “marijuana tincture” or some shit and I didn’t think I was truly stoned but I just spent 15 minutes flipping through image search hits for “Heisenberg fan art” and laughing my ass off so maybe I am fucked up after all. I found this video! I was the first person to watch it! I would kill for burger and fries right now! Is this the munchies? This is living!!
344. COLUMBO’S MYSTERY CAPERS
There’s a Columbo game for the Apple Newton. I haven’t played it and likely never will, but there is a Columbo game for the Apple Newton. I know this thanks to @AutomaticTiger.
343. CHUBBY CHERUB
Chubby Cherub is about a fat flying baby who loves food but hates powerlines and dog barks. It is an NES game where jump is mapped to B. The A button is the GAU button. I do not know what GAU means, but here is how GAUs work:
That’s all you need to know about GAUs.
Earlier tonight I was perusing the “e-shop” for a marital aid manufacturer and I saw they had payment plans available for all their merchandise. Can you imagine undergoing a credit check so you can buy a butt plug? I can. I’ve been that lonesome. But I’m sure you’ve never been in such a way, gentle reader. I’m sure you have a solid credit score, and a steady income, and many lovers. Yet perhaps you’d be interested in other goods covered by this credit service, such as beads (for necklaces and curtains and such), or thong underpants, or novelty baby bibs, or, maybe…a gamer chair with a listed weight limit of 225 pounds? I wouldn’t trust such a chair, personally. If your chair can’t accommodate a world heavyweight champion – or me, a guy stronger and more handsome than any champ who’s ever lived – then what good is it? How is that even a chair, never mind a gamer chair?
Invest in beads instead. Or open up a credit line solely to send me money.
342. MINDJACK
I think this game is like Geist but worse. I also feel like it was never released, despite what the internet’s telling me. If this shit really existed we’d have at least one good gif with this cyborg monkey, right?
Allegedly this Mindjack was developed by feelplus and with a name like that I bet at least half their employees have undergone a credit check so they could buy a blowup doll or visit a massage parlor.
341. METAL GEAR SOLID 2: SONS OF LIBERTY
As previously stated this list was mostly picked by you, the Select Button community, and I’m really regretting not curating this thing myself cuz I hate half of these games and do not want to write about them. No offense to the people who picked the shitty games. I probably really like all of you. But I hate your shitty games.
Metal Gear Solid 2 is not one of the games I hate, but as previously stated I think Hideo Kojima is largely very bad and if he ever asks me to hang out – which is inevitable, as I am a rising star in the world of game development-- I promise I will refuse the invitation or, at the very least, go and tell him “Ah, heh, I find your games very entertaining, heh-heh…!” while thinking “…because they suck so bad they make me laugh!”
I value honesty and would not pay a false compliment.
Anyway, earlier today my dog Iggy met another dog named Izzy. They are friends now. My boy is finally making friends. This photo is better than anything Hideo Kojima’s made.
340. GUILD WARS
This game outsold Myst. I know this because of @AutomaticTiger. I think. If someone else told me this, well, speak up now. Otherwise AutomaticTiger gets all the credit.
339. FIGHTERS MEGAMIX
I spent 6 months chipping away at a huge commission depicting the character select for a hypothetical Fighters Megamix 2 starring all sorts of Sega Saturn weirdoes. I finally finished it earlier this week.
It got five “Twitter favs” over the course of 12 hours so I am going to shove it down everyone else’s throat until that number triples. No, quadruples!
I had to draw a horse and a car, ok. And feet. I deserve a reward here. A reward beyond all the money I got paid. I deserve to be showered with praise.
Also if you crapped up my timeline with a single piece of video game related fan art over the last week – especially if it was dumb ass Nintendo fan art – and didn’t fav my drawing you should probably not come to Bump Ass because I am compiling a list of everyone who’s slighted me today and guess what: I’m gonna slip all your hands into warm water while you sleep.
338. THE PATH
Remember how almost everyone beating that “games as art” drum during the 00’s wasn’t talented enough to make it in an established medium yet also not enough of a carny to actually make real money off their vapid walking sims.
So glad things are so much better now. So glad we have people like me making games. People who could make it anywhere but instead chose to “Game On”. Don’t ask me to name anyone doing this aside from myself. I do not follow game news or play games anymore. But I’d like to think I’m not alone. And heck, even if I am? I’m strong. I can carry all of digital by myself…as long as I have your support, gentle reader. [remember to insert patreon link here] Together we can make games that are actually good art, and maybe that’ll be enough to finally get me a Wikipedia entry. Ideally one that ends with something like “in 2019 Bachelor Soft gave up on video games to devote the rest of his life to smoking cigars and sipping cocktails on a giant fuckin’ yacht,” cuz devoting your life to art is for dorks and being a hedonist rocks.
337. GUITAR FREAKS
When Guitar Hero came out I probably logged onto some web forum and declared it an inferior Guitar Freaks clone despite having never played Guitar Freaks. I loved Pop’n Music though. Pop’n pissed all over Guitar Hero, so I just assumed all Bemani games were of similar qualiy.
I was wrong. Guitar Hero had horrible aesthetics and lots of shitty music and almost every song was 4 times longer than it needed to be but shit, at least it did an acceptable job replicating the feeling of playing a guitar. A rotary phone is more musical than fuckin’ Guitar Freaks. That game only uses 3 buttons.
And how many strings does a guitar have?
That’s right: six.
The math just doesn’t add up.
The math…just doesn’t add up.
336. VINNNIE VOLE’S EXISTENTIAL NIGHTMARE
Is this game even real.
Also…can you tell I’m high? Please be honest. My mom’s gonna be home soon and she’s gonna be so pissed if she realizes I just downed all her medical marijuanas.
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when i jeered at a tales of tales thing on the internet once samyn actually sent me an irate pm lol
wish i’d saved the copy for it was pathetic
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I wonder what it looks like if you snip Tale of Tales from the timeline. Does Dear Esther still happen, and Gone Home? I think they were operating adjacent to the communities at the NYU Game Center and UC Santa Cruz who were challenging students to bring new experiences in; that and digital distribution gets us to our current space, maybe without Tales of Tales taking those shaky steps.
wait if you get rid of them how do we get Tales of Games???
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Tale’s
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Sunset was actually pretty good (though it’s entirely reasonable that no one cared)
god I’ve let you all down
I remember playing The Graveyard and thinking “This is like an even lamer version of Passage holy shit” and I thought the mod version of Dear Esther predates all their games but I am too lazy to look this stuff up plus I love being ignorant. My current emotional range is so limited that I treasure the brief flickers of anger that come with Remembering When and I refuse to spoil that by actually doing research and learning that I’m being even more grossly unfair to other artists than I thought.
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Fighters Megamix is one of those games I refuse to accept isn’t as good as the last time I played it about 15 years ago.
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it was a joke at first, but then someone made it real:
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