Tales of Level 5: The Game (NnK2)

[boojiboy7]

So we had some discussion about Ni no Kuni 2 in one of the general threads, but let me tell you, this game is…fucking weird. Not good. It’s probably not good. It might get good, sure, but right now it is just weird.

Also, there are a lot of spoilers in this thread, but nobody should actually care.

The Story So Far

Shit man, OK. So the game starts with the goddamn president of the US (not Trump, thankfully, but like a ficitonal white dude president who has a brain and isn't a horrible asshole) rolling in his convoy out a tunnel, onto the Not Brooklyn Bridge, driving into Not Manhattan in Not NYC, and as he is rolling along in the back of his limo, he hears something, and looks out his window just in time to see a [freeze frame] literal nuclear cruise missile fly by. Lest you not know it is a nuke, it goes boom over Not Manhattan, and you see Limo Force One do a backflip with the Prez inside.

Ya Boy Prez wakes up like 30 years younger with a Cool Dad ponytail in…some medieval place? A castle? And the castle is in the middle of a fucking coup, and Prez Rolland finds the young kind of the castle, a half human half cat named Evan Pettiwisker Tildrum (really) and Roland tells him they gotta run. Turns out the evil mouse who had been Evan’s dad’s adviser also poison Evan’s dad and now is trying to off Evan. Evan has a bodyguard nanny who comes to help, then dies, then comes back, then dies again, all in like the first hour while Prez and Evan make their escape.

Also, note, when Prez made his big teleportation to Not Narnia, he was wearing the most dadcore outfit he could get away with and still be called president. He was rocking a navy blue blazer, white shirt with the button down collar and tie, and then grey dress slacks. This outfit cracks me up for some reason, just because it is so formally informal? I don’t know. But they actually have a scene of him getting new clothes, and he gets like a navy blue trenchcoat, because he still has to dress like a dad, just a JRPG dad.

Oh yeah, and before they can escape, they gotta fight this big black knight who looks like a Ghibli version of the bad dudes from that early 00s sci fi Little Red Riding Hood anime, but then turns into this dude:

So they escape, and Prez basically goes “yeah, fuck going back to that world that just got nuked. I’m not even trying to deal with that” while EVAN PETTIWISKER TILDRUM decides that if he can’t be king of the place he was actually king of, he might as well try to start a new kingdom, and might as well conquer the world. Ex Prez Roland fuck yeahs this idea, and basically starts acting like EPT’s Secretary of State.

And this is the first fucking hour. There’s so much more.

Don’t play this game though. It’s basically Level 5 (so lots of extraneous systems, I will get there in my next post) combined with like the Tales series B Squad on combat, so if you ever played a Tales game and thought the combat was too complicated, well, here you go.

[villain]

Level-5 is best when they’re just making Quintet games.

[boojiboy7]

So the future dictators of fake Earth, one being a former President of Real America, the other being the former king of Ding Dong Dell, having escaped through the Ding Dong Well (not making that up) set out to get Evan Pettiwisker Tildrum a new kingdom. But first, we have a stop in with some old lady who introduces us to our first “oh god, this is a Lvl5 joint” system, The Higglety Piggleties (HPs).

So the HPs are these little characters that basically look like one of the lazy-but-cute Ghibli designs (think the little ash balls from Spirited Away) but as Pikmin. Every time you see a loading screen, I shit you not, the bottom right corner of the screen features one of this little things walking away all swishing its ass and tail rhythmically at you. It’s a very strange decision.

Anyhow, you recruit these things, and the game warns you that there are all sorts of like relationships with each other and personalities and unique abilities and OH GOD LEVEL 5 STOP IT. Hell, you even get told that you will later on have to build a whole building in your kingdom just to level these little bastards.

Now, when you get in a fight, the HPs you have equiped to your squad just kind of hang out, and really look like little Pikmin. Eventually, they charge up and do…something. One of mine heals me. Another turns into a tank that starts shooting magic cannonballs at badguys. Another one makes a goddamn space laser blast from the heavens to evaporate enemies. What causes this? Shit if I know. Sometimes a glowing circle shows up and you hit X in that circle to make magic happen.

LEVEL 5, Y'ALL.

[boojiboy7]

Oh shit, I forgot to mention in the first post, but during the big escape from Ding Dong Dell, while trying to get to Ding Dong Well, ExPrez gets in his first fight with some dudes, and what is the first thing he does? PULLS OUT A HANDGUN AND STARTS PEELING SHOTS. It’s so out of place. It’s great.

Also, a little while later, he worries about being out of bullets, but the living-dead-living-dead bodyguard/mom figure gives him a magic armband and tells him that it just makes bullets for him all the time. Also somehow he knows how to use swords. And every character can keep three weapons on them at all times and a range weapon, and the melee weapons get charged through use and do more damage when they are fully charged and…nope, probably not keeping track of that.

[boojiboy7]

OK, so for Evan Fucking Pettiwisker Tildrum to become a king, he has to beat up a kingmaker, which are like magical beasts that if you beat them up, declare you a king. But to get there, he has to go through a valley full of dinosaur bones that it turns out is run by some skypirates. But the head skypirate’s daughter has been captured by the Wyverns, who took her to their roost, so of course you JRPG agree to go get her.

Now, a positive note on this game: I totally expected to have to go to the roost, and like fight through a dungeon full of badguys and then get to the boss, but nope! You get there, the game gives you a save point, and then it is just BOSSFIGHT right away, grab the girl, who of course joins your party, and then you are off to get the kingmaker.

Getting the kingmaker means playing a puzzle game in an alternate dimension that basically retells the story of the first game in about 3 pages of text, then fighting one big boss, and then your kingmaker partners with you, but he basically looks like a super HP and talks in that CORBLIMEY accent that Level 5 thinks is high humor.

Once they find out you got a kingmaker, though, all the skypirates agree to be your first subjects and the head skpirate joins your party. Then you have to fight a weird Level 5 version of like Medieval Cannon Fodder (yay, another system) to get your first place to start building your kingdom.

This is all like three hours into the game. I don’t even know if I can keep this up.

[sponkmonkey]

I can’t tell if this is real or a fever dream.

[boojiboy7]

I cannot stress enough that I am not making any of this up.

[boojiboy7]

So, after winning Level 5 Not Cannon Fodder the first time, you get a camp set up where your kingdom is going to be, but only then does everyone realize that you need actual building materials to make buildings. Huh.

So apparently there is only one place in the whole continent where you can get wood, and it is owned by this dude name Niall. Not Nail, because that would be a pun, and while this game FUCKING LOVES puns, someone decided not this time, but whatever. So we journey to the Niall’s Forest, using the world map that is the only thing in the game that doesn’t follow the art style of the rest of the game (this is such a Tales-like detail when you see it in action).

Somewhere in there (look, I can’t remember where; this game keeps throwing insane shit at me and I am barely holding on at this point) the game introduced Yet Another Level 5 System, in which you can spend points you earn by leveling anyone in your party up to…give yourself perks? It’s really strange, but kind of neat. Like you can give yourself buffs against certain types of enemies, or certain elements, or certain moves, and you can switch them up whenever you want to. This is call the Tactical Tinkerer or something. It’s Level 5.

Anyhow, when we get to Niall’s, he tells you that he doesn’t own the place any more, because he lost it in a dice game to Pugnacious, the dude who runs the gambling den a couple areas away. So we head to this casino town, but on the way, in the middle of the fucking continent, are these giant Zen gardens that we have to walk through, while fighting shit in the Zen gardens. Past the Zen gardens, we get to the casino town, which is for some reason completely Chinese themed (but, props to the voice cast, nobody uses any bad Chinese accents or anything, which I was surprised by because I expected that shit like right away). Anyhow, of course Pugnacious is a fucking pug and he runs this town but theoretically leaves everything up to chance dice rolls.

How much everything? Like the actual tax rate of the town is up do a die roll, done once a month, by this mechanical Shiva-like statue. If it comes up a 1, nobody has to pay taxes. If it comes up a 6, the tax rate is multiplied by 6 (HARSH). So for the past two months, it has been solid 6s, and everyone is worried about this month, and lo and behold, it is a 6. Something smells fishy here, so Team EPT tries to go talk to Pugnacious, but some stooge is guarding the door, and makes the team play this game where it becomes really obvious that this random stooge is either the luckiest dude ever, or he is cheating like hell. Either way, due to this game, Evan ends up TEN MILLION in the hole to this guy, which in this town means that an evil crow follows you everywhere who says U O ME over and over again and I wanted to mute him like 2 seconds in.

Team EPT (reminder: a catboy who wants to rule the world, a far to helpful dimension hopping ex-president from WW3, a skypirate captain, his teenage daughter, and the Super Pikmin kingmaker) decide to investigate the casino to find evidence of how the dice are being rigged. Everybody but the daughter fail in this, with the skypirate somehow racking up more debt, but the daughter nicks a die, and they figure out that you can press a side in and make it come up that side. So they hatch a plan and go try to trick the stooge.

This Fucking Plan

This plan involves basically getting him to play the game, and when he is about to roll a cheat die to win, Super Pikmin (NOT MAKING THIS UP) picks his nose, flicks a booger that looks like a stone at the die in mid air, manages to his the side opposite of the one the stooge wanted, and makes it come up a winner for EPT Squad. A booger. A plot point in this game revolves around a booger. I…I…fuck.

So of course the stooge lets them in once he has been busted, and right away, Evan confronts Pugnacious, who has this weird looking adviser named just Mandarin at his side at all times. Anyhow, Pugnacious says he didn’t do shit, and the statues die is legit, but the Squad is free to go check it out, but they should watch out, because people gonna get mad at them for fucking with their mechanical gambling god.

So the team gets to work checking it out, and right away, someone gets all NO YOU CAN’T DO THAT STOP at them, but then quickly 180s that attitude when the team explain that they are nivestigating if the king of the town is cheating. Then the random civilian tells our brave team of weirdos that the die was recently replaced with one from Nialls forest.

Thankfully, the game is nice enough to let us just warp back there, because fuck walking through the giant zen gardens again. And wouldn’t you know it, there is a chinese building style factory hidden in the forest. And conveniently enough, two stooges are hanging outside, and so the skypirate family relieves them of their clothes, and Evan and Prez sneak in, steal some blue prints, and figure out that the big die from the statue is controlled…USING A FUCKING REMOTE CONTROL. Like an actual like hat switch on a joystick that you just tilt in the direction you want the die to go in. Like the fucking soccer ball bomb in Death Wish 4.

OK, so armed with this, Squad roll back to Casino-town to confront Pugnacious. Well, earlier on in the game, someone mentioned that even court cases are literally decided by die rolls in this town (this seems like a terrible way to run a justice system, but what do I or Level 5 know about that?), so of course Pugnacious says “yeah, let’s put me on trial” because he can control that die, so he will win. So then we get a courtcase, and I suddenly realize why Prez’s outfit from the beginning is so hilarious when he says he will be our lawyer.

Because that asshole is basically dressed up like Phoenix Wright, but as a ponytail dad.

Of course, team EPT also has a remote control, so when they show a signed letter from Pugnacious that says “yo, make this remote control die” and Pugnacious is all “it wasn’t me” and it is left up to a die roll to decide if it was, we get a remote control die battle until eventually Pugnacious breaks down and confesses all

but wait

The Mandarin then turns basically into Serpentor from GI Joe(I am still not making this up), and steals the kingbond (the thing that binds a king and a kingmaker) right out of Pugnacious's chest, which then leads Pugnacious's kingmaker, a big old Chinese style Dragon/Dog thing, to come out and fight the Squad. I mean, of course the Squad wins, because this game is very not hard, and Pugnacious says he feels bad and that Serpentor convinced him to be greedy and get more cash for his coffers, and now he will give back everything, including Niall's forest.

So I think now we have some wood to maybe build some buildings out of. I don’t know yet. I had to stop there. I am like 5 hours into the game, and this shit keeps getting weirder.

Also, PSA, kids: If a dude looks like Serpentor, don’t go along with his plans. I mean, c’mon, this should be obvious, but I am betting for several other people in this game, it will not be.

[boojiboy7]

Oh hey, if this game needed to be fucking weirder, early in the game, when you are on your way to skypirate-town, you meet a random merchant who basically gives you a device made by a company called like GIANTLEAF that is literally used solely to look at this world’s version of Facebook, called Leafbook. So randomly, the game gets new posts on Leafbook about shit in the story or monsters you fought, and it even has comments sometimes from just random fucking people that don’t even get names.

Except, at one point, the skypirate girl steals her dad’s Leafbook reader and makes a post about how she stole it, and some other people from skypirate town that have actual names make comments on her post.

WHAT.

Oh, also, you can like posts on Leafbook, and I think so far it does nothing at all to the game. Why is this even here? Why am I even here?

[botagel]

Somehow this game is sounding extremely compelling, and I realize that’s not your intention.

Also, I’ve never really liked a Level 5 game.

[boojiboy7]

I always think I will like Level 5 games more than I end up liking them, so we will see what happens here.

But yeah, I don’t mean this to sound compelling, but I can totally get how it does. It’s really so bizarre.

[botagel]

I just realized what the Anime Ponytail Dad stuff reminds me of.

You all remember that one Xbox 360 JRPG where Frederic Chopin had an anime fever dream in his dying hours?

What the hell are JRPGs?

[boojiboy7]

Oh shit Eternal Sonata, I think?

It’s also making me think about one of the PS2 Wild Arms games, which I never played a lot, but I remember someone describing as completely bonkers.

[boojiboy7]

I picked this game up because someone said it was like a 30 hour long JRPG with a Suikoden style town building thing.

This means I am a little under a sixth of the way through.

MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE

[Father.Torque]

This game was made for Rudie.

[Felix]

yeah this is my fault

Level 5 have never actually made a good game (they’re almost synonymous with deranged pandering overstuffed slow PS2 JRPGs and unlike a lot of their peers they haven’t really improved on that, perhaps because they’re somehow impervious to criticism on the grounds that everything they do seems like an affectionate throwback) but this sounds like it’s them at their best considering

[creep]

remember when Level 5 made a soccer game?

edit: THERE ARE MANY THINGS MAY HAVE BEEN,

[GherkinForce]

Eh, I am still enjoying it so far. Haven’t gotten to the kingdom building stuff yet though.

[boojiboy7]

I mean, I bought it before you posted on it, so don’t feel bad. I did this to myself.

[boojiboy7]

So I started adding in screenshots.

And I also played like another hour of this game.

We went to talk to Niall, to let him know he owns his ONLY PLACE TO GET WOOD forest again, and he was all happy about it and totally told us he would join our fledgling kingdom, but well…

And of course this gives us the most Level 5-y name yet in the game with…

FUCKING ALLEGORIA?!? ARE YOU KIDDING? NO YOU ARE NOT.

So of course, when we get back to the kingdom, it’s already started being built, and EPT gives something that is supposed to be a rousing speech, but isn’t, even though everyone in the game acts like it is. But then he also goes around literally giving every member of the party a title (Niall wants to be Minster of Finance for some reason WHO KNOWS) except the girl, because girls can’t do anything, duh. Then we actually get to build a kingdom!

Well, sorta. I mean, the locations of all the buildings are set, you just have to build them and staff them and then make stuff in them, which uses a lot of the never-ending stream of items you have been getting all fucking game. Each building can then be leveled up and brings in cash for the kingdom and it is very pleasant, if entirely Level 5, so everything uses ingredients and levels and I am sure someone will spend like 500 hours doing that, but Level 5 has gotten decent enough that people can easily finish their games and not worry about that if they don’t want to (thank the gods).

Of course, we have a house for managing the Higglety Piggleties, and nobody to staff it, so we go get the old lady who introduced us to that subsystem, except wait, no, she can’t come along because she needs a magic sponge that some monsters stole from her. A magic sponge. OK. Whatever.

Getting that from the Grotty Grotto (yep) is easy enough, but then we meet some lady named Milleniyah (double yep) who I guess is a time traveler maybe who gives us a Dream Key that lets us open magic doors that just sorta float in the middle of nothing, one of which is of course in the Grotty Grotto. This is so Level 5 it hurts. If you ever touched any of the Yokai Spirits games, for example, you know all about these doors. At least in this game there are only 9 of them, which they tell you right away. They have a mechanic of the longer you stand in them, the tougher they get, but you can lower the level of difficulty using collectibles because Level 5. It never gets difficult though, and we beat the boss.

Then we give the old lady her sponge, she comes to hang out in the hood of Evermore (actual name, because he wants everyone there to be happy forever more) and now we are about to head to Goldpaw, the casino town, which apparently has a library, to find out more about Allegoria, because this is a JRPG where people go to libraries instead of just, you know, punching Serpentor in the mouth.

Like six hours in. Oh shit.