Many of us have been playing Unreal Tournament 2004 lately.
Let me share a taste what it’s like to play UT 2004 in 2022.
This was a map where a hot lady can be your angel, or your devil. Everyone who tried to join it got flagged as a cheater and banned. Except for me. I was allowed to look at the stained glass bobobs. Keep this in mind if you ever think “Bachi keeps fragging me…he’s almost too good…maybe I should accuse him of using an aimbot!” Don’t bother!! I’m 100% not guilty!! The Frag is Back !!
Many servers are running “rat maps”. In this one we were very tiny insta-gib fraggers in a very large garage with a bunch of Agent Smiths standing outside of it. If you tried to leave the garage you died. All the rat maps we have played are bad but they’re also loaded with the kind of Bush-era trash that you suckers can’t get enough of so here’s your garbage, give this post 20 bloodpotions or I’m going over to Insert Credit and hosting Half-Life 2 deathmatch nights for those losers.
Whoa I got kinda hostile there sorry about that, returning to this fragging lifestyle has caused me to regress some, I was far too competitive during my e-Thlete days, I was filled with such a rage, I thought I’d gotten past all that, I thought the part of me known as “fatal1ty” was dead and buried, but no, he’s still there, he’s still angry, he’s still foaming at the mouth, waiting to turn you into giblets. Anyway here’s shrug and km as Oni and some crocodile from Russia, this game has some pretty good skins, we have an entire google drive filled with them, come play with us and we’ll hook you up.
We found a server running an Onslaught map set in an Australian brewery. We got to drive around in vehicles and shoot bots and wonder if this would all be funnier if we were Australian. I did not get a screen cap of this map’s EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH: CLIFFY B poster. I wonder if that man has any regrets.
This is a nice screencap, I think. UT2004 is a pretty ok looking game, sometimes. Its music? I dunno, did you like the Spawn soundtrack? The game comes with multiple announcers. You’re probably familiar with the default one, he says stuff like MULTIKILLLLL and HEADSHOOOT and FRAGASM, but there’s also a Sexy announcer. She’s a babe who does lots of moaning and oohing and counting, sexily. This announcer was produced by Epic, and included with the game at no extra cost. It was a different time.
We also play with a bunch of voice packs we downloaded, they are all awful, I have instituted a ban on Family Guy voices in my presence, they are 100% NOT LEGAL.
Even Lois? YES, ESPECIALLY LOIS.
Last night we played on Wyoming Unreal Tournament Server, which I’d like to think is hosted on some state computer that no one’s touched in 15 years. Its map selection was pretty sweet and its ruleset was mostly vanilla. Low kill cap, which I like. This rat map was in there though, this rat map was the best we’ve played, this rat map was set in a 12 year old’s idea of a firehouse. Or a 27 year old man from 2004, either one. Please note the Appetite for Destruction Poster, the Xbox, the dalmatian art that I keep thinking is some 9/11 tribute but probably isn’t, the pizza, the Stewie Griffith doing Michael Jackson dances (animated in-game), and, of course, the cheesecake velvet painting of Barbara Eden from I Dream of Jeannie mounted above one of the beds.
I won that map so that means I get to sleep in that bed tonight. Sorry, losers. Shoulda fragged harder.
I use a Martian from Mars Attacks model. It makes constant clicking sounds as I play. Sometimes it kinda quacks like a duck. No one can ever beat me. I’m unstoppable. Thank you for reading, maybe come play with us sometime, I’m sure we’ll do this at least 2 more times before we run out of steam and go back to playing sad depressing dark room RPGs all by our lonesomes, thank you.