A Legend of Zelda: The Link to the Past is a good video game, but it’s not the best video game.
It does have one of the greatest endings of all times though because it’s got all this text that should be repurposed as titles for other video games. This is an idea I shouted out on the Snexploration Squad podcast the other day. This is an idea I want everyone to know about! I want this to happen.
Here are some of my ideas for games that I will probably never make. My plate’s full. Feel free to steal my ideas. Just let me know if you do so. Maybe send a thank you note, or a photo of you smooching one of my posts. Thank you.
I didn’t bother cropping any of these screenshots cuz every single one has “SELECT button” on them. That’s a watermark of sorts. I do not want anyone stealing these screencaps I personally took of one of the most beloved games of all time.
If I made Twin Lumberjacks it would just be a single screen platformer starring two gay elves who are love. Like a Bubble Bobble deal, except you throw leaves at cute evil spirits who temporarily transform into trees, which you then chop down with an axe, which earns you points, which are fun to earn. This would shine in “co-operative play”. In between levels would be a mini-game where both players must get into a “rhythm groove” and saw down a giant, phallic tree. If you succeed the elves kiss, and a prompt flashes on screen encouraging you to kiss your partner. This is not a game that should be played by families.
Venus, Queen of Faeries sounds like an eroge to me. An eroge about a real honkin’ big faery. This Link to the Past one, she’s bigger than pink hair Link, yeah, but in later games the faeries are humongous. There’s probably one as big as a football field in one of the Zeldas I haven’t played. So this game would be about exploring the body of one of those queen-size faeries. This would maybe qualify as edutainment, and hopefully teach many gamers about “the clitoris”, along with the “g-spot”, “the other g-spot”, “my prostate”, and also “polyps”. These are all things that should be featured in an eroge AKA “the erotic game”.
To me The Witch And Assistant sounds kinda like an NBC Mystery Movie series from 197x but I also think it could be a video game. You can make games with Touhous, and sell them for money, right? I bet there’s at least one Touhou who’s a witch, and one that’s an assistant. Maybe you could pair them up, and have them star in an action platformer. Maybe one similar to Chips 'n Dales: Rescue Rangers? I think that’s the kinda game I’d add to my Steam wishlist and never, ever buy even though it goes on week long discount every other Monday.
Flute Boy Plays Again could be a narrative-focused rhythm game. Like the classic Parappa the Rapper. Or Gitaroo Man, but good. It could be about a boy who loved playing the flute but quit for one reason or another – traumas, probably – but then there is a conflict that requires him to once again pick up his flute.
Here is a song title I will give you, for the second level, where a sassy toucan tries to convince a reluctant flute boy to take up blowing again: “Put Your Lips Together (And Do-Re-Mi)”. You can rhyme that with “ABC”, “BBD”, “123”, and “go pee-pee”. Those all work and you don’t even have to credit me as long as you make this game happen. Thank you.
How would your version of Flippers For Sale play out? My version would be like one of those party games where one player takes on the role of flipper seller, and has to browbeat all the other players into buying some flippers. Like one of those games we play at a Meetup that only one person enjoys and leaves everyone else confused and unfulfilled. That is my Flippers For Sale. It would also require a special flipper controller. That’s a singular flipper. Two would be prohibitively expensive.
Your Uncle Recovers is a game where your uncle mails you nice letters. He thanks you for supporting him after his ugly divorce, and helping him stay sober after he underwent some kind of surgery. Tommy John surgery, maybe? Maybe your uncle was in the Major Leagues, and if you write really nice letters to him he’ll leave you in his will. Don’t ask me how this works. You figure it out. You make this game instead. This is an idea worthy of the Ouya.
My Vultures Rule The Desert would have you playing as a vulture. Bit of a power fantasy there. Just swooping down and snatching some carrion while avoiding cacti and Yosemite Sams. Maybe it would play kinda like that one Vlaimbeers game with the planes, except way better, cuz it won’t be 100% brown and would have 0% Nazis.
But perhaps in your Vultures Rule The Desert you would be the prey? Has there ever been a game where you play the role of a piece of carrion? I think there should be. I think you should make it.
The Bully Makes a Friend could be like a Binary Land deal. Or Adventures of Cookie & Cream. Two player characters. One a bully. The other a nerd. You navigate them through a maze and are rewarded with a cutscene where the bully punches the nerd, who loves it because the nerd is a pervert. That is how things are in 2020: if you want to get attention you have to pander to perverts. Maybe this sounds kinda like Twin Lumberjacks and that’s okay. It’s okay to have “le mötîfs,” as the French call them.
The Dwarven Swordsmiths should be a game where you smash a Wii Fit Balance Board with hammers. I think that would be very popular and you may not even need a screen for it. Just some hammers and a Balance Board and maybe a piece of tinfoil in a vaguely sword-like shape.
The Forest Thief could be a game about a thief who steals trees from the woods and plants them in congested cities to battle climate change. Like a Captain Planet deal, but even dumber, and less effective, but I bet you could get a few thousand dollars worth of grant money off such a thing. This one is the worst idea yet.
The Bug-Catching Kid could just be like the flyswatter game from Mario Paint but with cutscenes where a child excitedly shouts bug facts as their parents cheer them on. There aren’t enough depictions of healthy, supportive parenting in video games nowadays. Let’s do our best to change that.
What kind of game would The Lost Old Man be? A “walking sim”, perhaps? Maybe an elderly fellow gives his caregivers the slip and returns to his old stomping grounds, which are so different today – like, maybe there’s a Panera Bread where the old barbershop used to be? – yet the memories remain, as the spirits of past regrets come to life once again…as audio logs. Maybe this would be the game that finally proves games can be art?
Surprise: the answer to that question is “no”, because it is 2020, not 2013. Let’s not make games like that anymore…! Instead The Lost Old Man is about an old fart who reeks of suntan lotion and doesn’t own a smart phone who gets lost on the way to an orgy cuz the directions he printed out from MapQuest were ruined by the rain. He forgot to bring an umbrella…!
Anyway that’s a lot of ideas please share yours thanks.