Oops! All platformers!
Valis: The Fantasm Soldier
Valis as a series is suspect to me, considering it stars a high school girl in a battle bikini. Earlier games managed not to be too pervy about it, but now the dial is being turned just a notch further where I’m getting more worried. The intro cutscene shows our main character get dressed, shirt over bra. When she jumps, we see her underwear as she falls down. When she gets her armor, there’s a full screen picture of her looking shocked and exposed.
At this point, I don’t think it matters that they fixed the slide or that the levels and sprites look nicer. I’m too skeeved out by what boundaries they might try to push in later cutscenes.
Samurai Ghost
There is a sequel to Genpei T**ō ma Den and it’s almost every bit as glorious as it should be. I say almost because they cut out the tiny man platforming stages and the Gauntlet-esque labyrinths, but we still get giant red-haired swordsman. Just like the original, this game is brutal, unfair, and finnicky. It is also rad as hell, the PCE analog to Altered Beast. Let’s forget that that was actually ported to the console because this is a much better choice for huge dumb action.
Here’s my description of the most absurd section of the game that I saw. I start the volcano stage and a skull spider spits webs at my shins. This freezes me until I cut them off. It’s then that I notice a large lava flow is coming right at me. I have to jump over the webs, which continuously spew out of this spider, until I am safe. While I’m jumping, crow men dive at me. They are swordsmen, which means I have to deal with the rudimentary parry system the game has. If I hit swordsmen, I don’t hurt them. I merely stun them and have to rush forward to deliver the killing blow. On this lava stage where I am trying to manage so much, this is nearly impossible. I love this game.
Night Creatures
Another terrible Western-developed PC Engine exclusive! This one was made by Manley & Associates, which would become EA Seattle. PNW folks, I think you have a lot to answer for. Upsettingly, this is a Simon’s Quest-like. I’m bit by a bat in the intro and I have to find a way to cure myself. I can travel left or right, enter buildings, and talk to people. The action is so miserable, just like all the rest of these things. I tried to beat this walking tree like five times before giving up. It kept pushing roots out of the entire ground without any warning. IDK, maybe I’m suppose to learn how to become a bat or something. I don’t want to find out!
New Adventure Island
It feels rude to call this just Adventure Island. After playing so many mediocre platformers on this system, it’s wonderful to finally play one that is balanced so well with incredibly responsive controls. I think there are unlimited continues and no stage has been too long, so it’s just an exercise in playing things perfectly precise. This is one of the few platformers on the console that will let you do that and reward you for it.
Master Higgins looks incredible in this. The way he runs with sweat dripping in the wind, his hat jiggling on top of his head, it makes my heart swoon. We also get to see him nap and munch on rice balls in between stages. It’s excellent. Great game, everyone.
