Ultima Underworld: The Stygian Abyss
1992 – Blue Sky
I have been afraid to go into this place because I did not know how to do what everyone seems to know. I told myself that I can only learn by doing, and so I did.
Little by little, I am using my eyes again. I enjoy seeing a room filled with things. When I can’t see something clearly, I like to get close to it. I put my eyes right on it. Blades of grass, a bowl, printed words—anything I focus on can reveal something I might otherwise take for granted. The other day, I peered at a cup of coffee I was drinking. I saw how the oils floated on the surface like lily pads. I saw the light reflect off the surface and thought about where the light had come from. It has become a dependable technique for me to look at things in this way.
I am using my hands again, too. They grasp at doors and fumble through the things I carry in my pocket. I walk around and pick things up subconsciously. I feel reassured knowing I have so many things in my pockets. Sometimes, I like to imagine that I move with my hands instead of my feet. My fingers pinch the cobblestone floors and I clamber about like a macaque. I like to turn down a hallway by grabbing the corners of the wall. I wonder what others think when they see me like this. I used to climb stairs on all fours until I realized nobody else did it like that.
Little by little, I am using my voice again. This is the hardest part. I cannot always read my partner’s tone. Their faces tell me very little about what they are thinking. I am often surprised of my own tone. I never mean to be rude, but that does not stop me from offending others. I recently learned that “goblin” is too generic a term. There are Green Goblins and Grey Goblins. You only learn something like that by talking to people. I often think of jokes to say but I usually keep them to myself. The smile comes out though. I let people see that. In the end, I don’t think I’ve ever offended someone so badly they could never talk to me again. People are tougher than that. As long as I reset my approach with them, they tend to treat me the same as they used to.
I realize that I do not need to be afraid of this prison. Actually, there are many nice people inside. The more I stay here, the more it starts to feel like home.
