401. RETURN TO ZORK
I’m not a nerd. Just look at that definition up there. Doesn’t apply to me. I’m very cool and suave and wouldn’t be caught dead studying anything…except for your body. 
Unfortunately over the years so many games have been made by and for nerds. Was Zork one of those games? Maybe. It was before my time. Like I may be older than you but I’m younger than Zork, okay. I didn’t play that shit until 2014, so if it was loaded with a bunch of in-jokes about MIT or Dr. Who or Dr. Demento or Dr. Solar or Dr. Spock or some shit…it all went over my head, and I’m so fuckin’ grateful, cuz all that shit blows.
So to me Zork is Blighttown (But Not Quite As Damp): The Game. It was all spelunking and dealing with inventory limits and being spooked by the thief. In my memory it’s all black, with white text, and the only time you ever saw any color was when you were outside that house, in front of that mailbox. In my memory it was fuckin’ cool and so harsh you wanted someone to evaluate you.
In my memory Zork is not some fuckin’ Andrew Weil/Nicholson Baker/Me In 10 Years-looking motherfucker going “WANT SOME RYE? OF COURSE YOU DO!” I reject that shit. I reject a Zork that has colors. I reject a Zork that has a mouse-driven interface. I reject Return to Zork, even though I’ve never played it, cuz it looks like some shit made by some fuckin’ nerd who got the license to some cool game about caves and used it as an excuse film his unpublished Hitchhiker’s Guide to Middle Earth screenplay.
I reject Return to Zork cuz I’m not a nerd.
400. TOKYO JUNGLE
What’s that Sid Meier quote? A game is a series of meaningful choices? I dunno if I agree with that – I may be a professional game designer now but I don’t spend much time thinking about, like, game design – but I do know Tokyo Jungle should be the greatest game ever made but its meaningful choices are spaced so far apart that it’s one of the biggest bores of all times. Yes, it is really neat when your Pomeranian gang takes down a horse, but those flurries of action are sandwiched by interminable stretches where you trot down one alley after another waiting for anything to happen so this game fucking blows.
Yet despite immediately realizing this game was lacking I kept playing, because having sex is really fun. Big fan of roleplaying as a sex haver over here. Do you have a favorite game where you get to have sex? If so please share. I want to know more about you and all the ways you’ve enjoyed sexual video games. Don’t be shy. I won’t bite…unless u want me 2. 
399. KANE & LYNCH 2: DOG DAYS

Look I’m not gonna talk trash about this game. I currently have a lot to live for and you guys have so many weapons and opinions, y’know? I already got one death threat in this thread already. I don’t need any more.
Just kidding! I’m not scared of you. I think you’re so sweet, and I know you love me. I consider every bloodpotion I earn a little Valentine, and I’m sure you feel the same. And I think this is the only game with real guns and real deal violence that I’d ever want to replay. Though that won’t happen for a long time, because I don’t feel very good about myself as of late and I refuse to play any games that might make me feel even more insecure about my sour, lumpy body. Like, I wish I looked at least as good “completely starkers” as Lynch does, so until my 501 Games book deal money comes in and I can afford a personal trainer and some real good PEDs I’m only gonna be playing, like, Kirby and Dodonpachi.
Please make my dreams come true. Please send me enough money so I can level up to a “dad bod”, or, failing that, a “George ‘The Animal’ Steele bod”
398. TRASH PANIC
Hey do you wanna play a bunch games with great concepts and mediocre execution? Well, I got the console for you, buddy: it’s called the PlayStation 3, and it was never good. Aside from Demon’s Souls. That’s the best game of the last decade, and I refuse to believe Sony Computer Entertainment had much to do with it, because that company never made a game that was actually fun to play.
Feel free to swap this game for Echochrome or Patapon or Puppeteer or LocoRoco or that Ape Escape spinoff where you vacuum up monkey shorts or any other SCEJ game cuz they’re all varying degrees of not good. We can all admit that now, right? Oh what, you don’t really remember those games? Well, can’t say I blame you. In the end none of them were very interesting.
396. D
I have no clue what this game is but it looks kinda dumb.
395. PHANTASY STAR III
Phantasy Star III is an incredibly underrated game and no I will not replay it or offer up any solid evidence to prove my point but I will write 200 words about how I felt about it before I had pubes and that’s good enough, right?
When I was a kid I duped a bunch of other kids into thinking RPGs were cool. My main motivation for doing this was so’s I could see all the branching paths in Phantasy Star III without replaying it myself. When I was a child I valued my time more than I do as an adult, you see. So on the rare days I went to school I would talk this shit up. “Yeah, Phantasy Star is this game where you can get married, and make babies, and then your babies have babies, and so on, and so on, and depending on the babies you make you get different endings!” Endings were a big deal back then. I remember taking Polaroids of my TV when I’d beat games. I still have some of them. You can barely see shit cuz of the flash but guess what mothefucker: I beat Zelda 2, and I have the photos to prove it.
So after a time I got two other kids to buy Phantasy Star III, and I convinced them all it was very good, and I also kinda influenced them enough to pick the brides I didn’t pick, and make the babies I didn’t make, and as far as I can recall the branching paths weren’t wildly different but fuck, that was a real power trip. Fuck, I can’t believe I never started a cult. Must be because I’m too sweet to ever truly hurt anybody.
Please do not reply telling me inflicting Phantasy Star III on other people is hurtful because it’s not. Phantasy Star III is incredibly underrated. Just listen to that opening theme. It’s very good.